Humour Parodies Books

Candide

Candide is a French satire first published in 1759 by Voltaire, a philosopher of the Age of Enlightenment. The novella has been widely translated, with English versions titled Candide: or, All for the Best (1759); Candide: or, The Optimist (1762); and Candide: or, Optimism (1947). It begins with a young man, Candide, who is living a sheltered life in an Edenic paradise and being indoctrinated with Leibnizian optimism (or simply "optimism") by his mentor, Professor Pangloss. The work describes the abrupt cessation of this lifestyle, followed by Candide's slow, painful disillusionment as he witnesses and experiences great hardships in the world. Voltaire concludes with Candide, if not rejecting optimism outright, advocating a deeply practical precept, "we must cultivate our garden," in lieu of the Leibnizian mantra of Pangloss, "all is for the best" in the "best of all possible worlds." Candide is characterised by its sarcastic tone as well as by its erratic, fantastical and fast-moving plot. A picaresque novel with a story similar to that of a more serious bildungsroman, it parodies many adventure and romance cliches, the struggles of which are caricatured in a tone that is mordantly matter-of-fact. Still, the events discussed are often based on historical happenings, such as the Seven Years' War and the 1755 Lisbon earthquake. As philosophers of Voltaire's day contended with the problem of evil, so too does Candide in this short novel, albeit more directly and humorously. Voltaire ridicules religion, theologians, governments, armies, philosophies, and philosophers through allegory; most conspicuously, he assaults Leibniz and his optimism. As expected by Voltaire, Candide has enjoyed both great success and great scandal. Immediately after its secretive publication, the book was widely banned because it contained religious blasphemy, political sedition and intellectual hostility hidden under a thin veil of naivete. However, with its sharp wit and insightful portrayal

Crap Day at Shit Creek (and Other Tosh)

** NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN! **

Three ludicrous, uproarious tales guaranteed to make you gurn, yodel and froth at the ears, or your money back.

Crap Day at Shit Creek

When trigger-happy Nathan 'Black Ball' Carillo arrives at Shit Creek, life is turned on its head. Appointing himself Sheriff, the population are either shot, hanged or jailed. But how will the townsfolk react when they discover Carillo has not one, but 237 dark secrets in his past? And for all his bravado, can he stand his ground when the Belch Gulch Boys hit town demanding two dollars fiddy?

The Truth Fog

Graham's on his way to an important interview, but will it go according to plan, given that an experimental truth-inducing gas has escaped from a nearby lab?

Whodunnit?

Detective Inspector Harris has a hard time identifying the killer of a mysterious house guest, murdered in a most bizarre way. Everyone from the condescending butler to the host's naive, sexy young daughter is a prime suspect, and the conclusions Harris draws from each clue are dubious to say the least. But can you identify the culprit before he does? Yes, you can, because he's a bonk(anag).

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING

"I thought my last book was the worst ever written, but I've moved the goalposts with this one."

Isaac Ummin, The Author

"Never heard of it."

Richard Head, New York Times

"While reading this on the tube, I was so shocked that my knickers blew off."

Mavis Prudely, London Gazette for the Frigid

"Well I disagree with the previous reviewer, my knickers stayed on from beginning to end. And I laughed out loud all the way through, even though I'm a fictitious person!"

Chris P Duck, Freelance Restroom Hygiene Executive

Also by Isaac Ummin:

Harry Pobbit and the Fifty Shades of Zombie Vampire Werewolf Trekkie Alien Eastend Hunger Twilight Life of Bi.

Funny Stories for Kids: Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves: (Kid's Books, Books For Kids, Children, Fractured Fairy Tales, Parody Books, Free Teen Books, Fiction Books for Teens, Humorous Books)

What would the story of "Snow White" be like if the princess was an idiot, the evil queen was completely incompetent, and the dwarves, instead of being happy and silly, were instead super gross and mean? The answer: "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves," a comedy short story that is so awesome you'll have to read it to believe it. (Brought to you by the famed Dweezel and Pallie.)

"[A] funny and clever little book... I like this version even better than the original story."

Chytach18, Reviewer for OnlineBookClub.org

"An amazing story, and hilariously funny to boot, perfect for kids and adults alike!"

Angela, Amazon UK reader

"It made me laugh. Grossed me out. Then makes you laugh some more."

Thelma Coots, Amazon reader

"One word : FUNNY! A new way of reading Snow White"

Isienie V., Amazon reader

*****

Take your expectations for a fairy tale and throw them out the window! A noble prince? Lame. A humble princess? What a loser! A happy ending? You wish. This eBook is way better than all that. It will make you giggle, laugh, and ask for more. Either that, or it will make you scream for it all to stop. The only way to know is to read it. Download "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves" now!

The Funny Stories for Kids series, written/recorded by Dr. Dexter Dweezel and Professor Parnassus Pallie, is an ongoing effort to make fairy tales less crappy. "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves" is the first in this series, with more to come.

**Note: This story is not for babies. It can be crude, and has jokes about butts, poo, and drunk people. It also has a bit of cartoony violence. There is no swearing or sexual activity. If this story had a MPGG rating it would probably be PG, and would be comparable to a modern episode of the Simpsons.**

Funny Stories for Kids: Family Wars Episode I: The Forced Dinner: Star Wars Parody, Kid's Books, Books For Kids, Children, Sci-fi, Parody Books, Teen Books, Fiction Books for Teens, Humorous Books)

In a galaxy ravaged by tyranny, planets are destroyed at the push of a button and empires are brought down by farm boys and scoundrels. Dark Zader was one of the most powerful men in the galaxy, but when he threw his emperor down a shaft, he found himself without a job.

Living with his kids and down on his luck, he finds that he only has one solution, beg for his old job back from the very emperor he thought he'd killed.

Read as this family of rebel scum scrambles to prepare a dinner fit for an emperor in the most ridiculous culinary experience ever.

Double the excitement.

Triple the laughs.

Paintbrush illustrations.

This is...

Family Wars Episode I: The Forced Dinner

Roasts and Toasts Stolen from the All-Time Great Comedians: A Book of Revelations

I am a ghost writer.

After heart valve replacement surgery in August of 2004, I suffered a small stroke and slipped into a coma. I died from surgical complications on October 5, 2004, in Westwood, California at the age of 82.

In life, I wore a rumpled suit with one hand perpetually loosening my trademark red necktie. I took the stage as a hapless, self-deprecating Everyman slapped around by life and searching in vain for acceptance.

After seeing the Francis Ford Coppola movie The Godfather in 1972, I came up with a new angle that would reshape my routine. All I heard was the word "respect." I thought to myself: It sounds like a funny image -- a guy who gets no respect.

In 1995, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences rejected my application for membership. A letter from Roddy McDowall of the actors branch explained that I had failed to execute enough of the kinds of roles that allow a performer to demonstrate the mastery of his craft. It was the ultimate rejection, but I played it to the hilt. I had established my own Web site, and my fans used it to express their indignation. The public reaction prompted the Academy to reverse itself and offer membership.

I declined.

I was a rarity among comedians in the late 20th century--I remained a one-liner comic of the old school whose best work was done before a live audience.

I'm sure you remember some of my best one-liners:

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys, and one night a week she goes out with the boys.

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffeur."

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly, too!"

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? One time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

Hey, I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines thanked me for flying United.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I loved giving advice to guys. For example, somebody asked me how to deal with the awkwardness of the morning after a one-night stand:

A guy wants to get out of there as fast as he can, but he doesn't want to look like he wants to get out of there.

My method is foolproof.

You simply turn to the young lady and say, in your best romantic voice, the following: "You know what's great about today? It's Wednesday. I don't work on Wednesdays, so I can take the whole day off. You and me, babe, are going out to a simple coffee shop for a classic New York breakfast. Then, we're going to stroll Fifth Avenue, go shopping, go to Tiffany's, go to Saks, we'll buy you something special. After that, a romantic lunch at the Boat House in Central Park with pink champagne. And a stroll though the park hand in hand, in the afternoon, as the sun dapples the leaves and the light turns golden. Then we'll have a quiet drink at the Oak Bar in the Plaza, and then to the Rainbow Room for champagne and dancing. And then to a little dive I know downtown for a romantic late dinner. How does that sound?"

And she'll say, "It sounds wonderful. But today is Thursday."

And I'll say, "Thursday??!! I gotta get out of here!!"

I race out. She's convinced I'm not really a cad--just a guy who loses track of the days of the week.

Problem solved.

Open Access Policy

You are free to share, copy, or redistribute the materials in this text in any medium or format. You are free to adapt, reuse, modify, transform, or build upon the materials in this text for any purpose whatsoever.

Useless Crap From Around the House: The Sullivan Family Garage Sale

Comedy writer Danno Sullivan has LOTS of useless crap--and now it's for sale!

This parody-style book of comedy and wordplay features very funny for-sale adverts and means you may finally be able to buy things like:

-Gluten-free gluten.

-Archaic measurements

-Boring speaker presentation kit

-Big Book of Presidential Knock-Knock Jokes

-Constant ongoing banging sound with echo

-Faulty palindrome

-Rare recording of Abraham Lincoln's voice

Over 200 useless items, complete with comic descriptions and fake prices.

For fans of funny wordplay in the vein of Benchley, Thurber, and Groucho Marx, or fans of classic comedy like the Goons, Monty Python, and Groucho Marx, this little book will likely be a huge disapointment, but it's mostly spelled and punctuated correctly, so at least there's that.

Scroll up now to click that big, friendly button and get your copy!

Hettford Witch Hunt: Series One

"With subtle humor and a charming regional voice, James Rhodes cleverly crafts a story of vengeance, mystery and witchcraft. Deftly weaving the ordinary and supernatural Rhodes leads readers along a path strewn with dreary workaday details offset by exciting glimpses of an otherworld that threatens to destroy the safety of the mundane."

-Kirsten Imani Kasai, Author: Ice Song, Tattoo, Del Rey Books

Gary Turlough is falling deeper into his post-graduate slump as each day goes by. He is in a dead-end job with no prospects and, following a slight indiscretion with a local goth, his girlfriend is one more mistake away from heading back to New Zealand. Life in the small village of Hettford would be tough enough without the spirits of two 18th Century witches plotting to kill his only two friends.

Milton and Dan are the real ale drinking hill-walkers of witch hunting: Nobody may believe them, nobody may reward them and they might not ever accomplish very much but nonetheless they remain devoted to their cause. With a slick sitcom format this novel is a must have for fans of paranormal comedy.

SERIES TWO: Available now!

Who Dunnit? (and other tales)

** NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN! **

Three ludicrous, uproarious tales guaranteed to make you gurn, yodel and froth at the ears, or your money back.

Who Dunnit?

Detective Inspector Harris has a hard time identifying the killer of a mysterious house guest, murdered in a most bizarre way. Everyone from the condescending butler to the host's naive, sexy young daughter is a prime suspect, and the conclusions Harris draws from each clue are dubious to say the least. But can you identify the culprit before he does?

The Truth Fog

Graham's on his way to an important interview, but will it go according to plan, given that an experimental truth-inducing gas has escaped from a nearby lab?

Crap Day at Shit Creek

When trigger-happy Nathan 'Black Ball' Carillo arrives at Shit Creek, life is turned on its head. Appointing himself Sheriff, the population are either shot, hanged or jailed. But how will the townsfolk react when they discover Carillo has not one, but 237 dark secrets in his past? And for all his bravado, can he stand his ground when the Belch Gulch Boys hit town demanding two dollars fiddy?

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING

"I thought my last book was the worst ever written, but I've moved the goalposts with this one."

Isaac Ummin, The Author

"Never heard of it."

Richard Head, New York Times

"While reading this on the tube, I was so shocked that my knickers blew off."

Mavis Prudely, London Gazette for the Frigid

"Well I disagree with the previous reviewer, my knickers stayed on from beginning to end. And I laughed out loud all the way through, even though I'm a fictitious person!"

Chris P Duck, Freelance Restroom Hygiene Executive

Also by Isaac Ummin:

Harry Pobbit and the Fifty Shades of Zombie Vampire Werewolf Trekkie Alien Eastend Hunger Twilight Life of Bi.

An XXX-Mas Story: Ralphie Finally Gets Laid (Erotic Parodies Book 10)

All 19-year old Ralphie wants for X-Mas is to have sex with a voluptuous hooker. But his bitch-ass mother won't get him one because he'll "shoot his eye out". Whenever Ralphie asks her what the hell she's talking about, his mom responds by beating his ass with a belt and forcing him to eat a bar of soap. Ralphie finally decides to take matters into his own hands and goes to the mall to ask Santa to put a hooker under his Christmas tree. But all Santa does is kick him down the slide. Will Ralphie ever get the chance to acquire 'carnal knowledge' of a sex worker? You'll have to read this perverted parody of a holiday classic to find out!

The Sundial part 4, The Witch in the attic. (The Sundial series)

Life in the Autumn term settles down for the children however it is not without incident. As Halloween approaches the school becomes alive with roomers of a terrifying witch who lives in the attic above them, leaving the boys wondering if they will get out of the season alive.

The Sundial, part 3 Harvest Festival.: Harvest Festival.

As the new Autumn term moves on, its soon time for the children to celebrate harvest festival which they do with enthusiastic aplomb. However, a gulf exists in the professionalism with which the girls and boys contribute to this natural festival, leading to some unexpected and startling results ....

The Tale of St. Picklas

You are familiar with the Night Before Christmas, and other tales of Santa Claus, Sinter Klass, St. Nicholas and Papa Noel but do you know the tale of the mysterious man that hangs the Christmas Pickle on your Christmas Tree? This holiday Tale is an original twist on what happens on the night before Christmas. The colorful illustrations pull you into magical realm of St. Picklas. Uniquely bound on the top, so that you can hang your favorite scene as part of your Christmas decor. Make St. Picklas part of your traditional Christmas canon!

Happiness

Old Friends, Epistolary Parody

This book (hardcover) is part of the TREDITION CLASSICS. It contains classical literature works from over two thousand years. Most of these titles have been out of print and off the bookstore shelves for decades. The book series is intended to preserve the cultural legacy and to promote the timeless works of classical literature. Readers of a TREDITION CLASSICS book support the mission to save many of the amazing works of world literature from oblivion. With this series, tredition intends to make thousands of international literature classics available in printed format again - worldwide.

The Apocalypse Now: A Book of Revelations

I am a ghost writer.

In life, I was a "radical lesbian feminist," I am--and always will be--a practicing Catholic.

In 1999, I left Tammany College after a male student dressed as a woman threatened suit when I denied "her" a place in my class on Feminist Ethics. I had long limited enrollment in my Advanced Women's Studies classes to birthed women only, maintaining that the presence of men there would inhibit frank discussion.

You know how I feel about men who attempt to become women without having the experience of growing up and suffering as women all their lives.

You know my credentials: Before obtaining my two doctorates in Sacred Theology and Existential Phenomenology from Olinger University, I received my B.A. with honors in English from Our Lady of the Flowers Seminary, my M.A. in Philosophy from The Papal College of Saints in Rome, and a D.Litt. in Renaissance Literature [in the first column] from Hudson University.

I taught classes at Olinger University from 1967 to 1999 including classes in feminist theology, feminist ethics, and deplorable patriarchy.

I am best known for my second non-fiction book, Beyond the Heavenly Father (1977). Beyond the Heavenly Father is the last book in which I really considered God a substantive, male subject. It is my attempt to explain and overcome misogyny in Western religion. It attempts to rehabilitate "God-talk" for the Women's Liberation Movement by critically building on the writing of existentialist theologians such as Simone de Beauvoir.

In Meditations on Radical Feminism (1988), I showed how men throughout history have used, abused, oppressed, brutalized, vandalized, humiliated, tortured, raped, enslaved, beaten, castrated, murdered, stoned, mutilated, and beheaded women. I moved beyond my previous thoughts on the history of patriarchy to focus on the actual practices that, in my view, perpetuate patriarchy, which I consider a horrific, disorganized religion.

The Apocalypse Now is consistent with the theology I developed throughout my career. It is comprehensive, yet concise.

In The Apocalypse Now, I reveal through my ghost writing a dramatically new vision of your life.

Open Access Policy

You are free to share, copy, or redistribute the materials in this text in any medium or format. You are free to adapt, reuse, modify, transform, or build upon the materials in this text for any purpose whatsoever.

Amazing Tales Pilfered from the All-Time Great Sci-Fi Writers: A Book of Revelations

I am a ghost writer.

I died in Los Angeles, California, on June 5, 2012, at the age of 91 after a lengthy illness. My personal library was willed to the Waukegan Public Library where I had many of my formative reading experiences.

Although slowed in recent years by a stroke that meant I had to use a wheelchair, I remained active into my 90s, turning out new novels, plays, screenplays, and a volume of poetry. I wrote every day in the basement office of my Cheviot Hills home and appeared from time to time at bookstores, public library fundraisers, and other literary events around Los Angeles.

Although I was also known for a few novels - principally the science-fiction book-burning dystopia Fahrenheit 451 and the dark fantasy Something Wicked This Way Comes - as well as for children's books, plays, screenplays, and poetry, it was for my short stories that I gained my widest fame with my best-known collection being The Martian Chronicles.

At the time of my death Arthur C. Clarke wrote:

"For many Americans, the news of his death immediately brought to mind images from his work, imprinted in our minds, often from a young age. His gift for storytelling reshaped our culture and expanded our world. But he also understood that our imaginations could be used as a tool for better understanding, a vehicle for change, and an expression of our most cherished values. There is no doubt that he will continue to inspire many more generations with his writing, and our thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends."

I transformed my childhood dreams and Cold War fears into telepathic Martians, lovesick sea monsters, and, in uncanny detail, the high-tech, book-burning future of Fahrenheit 451. Nightmares that plagued me as a boy also stocked my imagination as did my youthful delight with the Buck Rogers and Tarzan comic strips, early horror films, Tom Swift adventure books, and the works of Jules Verne and H.G. Wells.

The Martian Chronicles prophesied the banning of books, especially works of fantasy, a theme I would take on fully in Fahrenheit 451. Inspired by the Cold War, the rise of television and my passion for libraries, Fahrenheit 451 was an apocalyptic narrative of nuclear war abroad and empty pleasure at home with firefighters assigned to burn books instead of putting blazes out. I had been told that 451 degrees Fahrenheit was the temperature at which books went up in flames.

My literary style was honed in pulp magazines and influenced by Ernest Hemingway and Thomas Wolfe; and I became the rare science fiction writer treated seriously by the literary world.

Everything I'd done was a surprise, a wonderful surprise. I sometimes got up at night when I couldn't sleep and walked down to my library opening one of my books and reading a paragraph saying: "My God, did I write that? Did I write that?"

I wrote three great novels and three hundred great stories. One of the latter was called "A Sound of Thunder." The sound I hear today is the thunder of footsteps getting stronger here in Heaven. My novels and stories shine in all their resonance and strange beauty.

Open Access Policy

You are free to share, copy, or redistribute the materials in this text in any medium or format. You are free to adapt, reuse, modify, transform, or build upon the materials in this text for any purpose whatsoever.

Golf Tips from the All-Time Great Ball Strikers: A Book of Revelations

I am a ghost writer.

I died of pneumonia in Bedford, Massachusetts at the age of eighty-eight.

As a young man, I was a phenomenal golfer playing at the highest levels of amateur competition. I had a big, modern swing, but I always cut a traditionalist's figure. My self-effacing, uncomplaining manner, my chesty stride, my clothes, even my tripartite name seemed a thing of the pastoral, perhaps English, past. Tweed, of course, was my preferred fabric. I once showed up on a course in all-tweed, including tweed knickers and a tweed cap. It was the middle of July.

I described the game with an avant-garde style that has since been imitated, but never duplicated.

Subjects I covered as a professional columnist included tennis, writers, politicians, and social figures. I was the ghostwriter of several books, mostly about golf.

I was just crazy about golf; I was a great historian of the game and--if I do say so myself-- a terrific writer. I wrote longhand and in pencil. In Heaven we use only Macs. It took me a long time to learn how to type. So now I dictate.

I was acute on the complexities of the game and on the characters of the players. I was, in spirit, prelapsarian--uninterested in the issues of money, endorsements, or scandal of any kind. If I had a hero in golf, and even in life, it was certainly Bobby Jones, who won thirteen major championships as an amateur between 1923 and 1930 and then went on to help design the ne plus ultra of American golf courses: Augusta National, the site of the Masters. Jones was an educated athlete, a lawyer, a writer, and a reader; and we quickly became friends talking about books and the intricacies of golf. I learned a great deal from Bobby. About three days before Bobby's death, when I knew he was dying, I said to the members of his family: 'If this is all there is to it, it sure is peaceful."

Well, Hell's bells! It's far from peaceful in Heaven! Actually, Heaven is much like Earth: greed, corruption, sexual abuse, humiliation, hypocrisy, scams, and plenty of violence. Except you can do just about anything you want here--within the Heavenly guidelines. I decided to write my own book of golf instruction.

During my coverage of the 1958 Masters, I was searching for an appropriate name for that far corner of the course where the critical action takes place -- some colorful tag like those that Grantland Rice and his contemporaries loved to devise: the Four Horsemen, the Manassa Mauler, the House that Ruth Built, the Georgia Peach, and so on. A lover of jazz, I recalled an old tune entitled "Shouting in the Amen Corner."

Now that I am in Heaven, I have been assured by The Great Greenskeeper that my writing, like the greatest game ever played, will live forever.

Open Access Policy

You are free to share, copy, or redistribute the materials in this text in any medium or format. You are free to adapt, reuse, modify, transform, or build upon the materials in this text for any purpose whatsoever.