Humour Books

The Book Of Best Sports Quotes: Funny, inspirational and motivation quotes on the sports we love

This is a book for those who love sport and all that goes with it. Most of us have played sports where people have said something amusing, inspirational or just exquisitely stupid. It is a part of the enjoyment of sports and those experiences are shared with team mates and competitors. This is a collection of some of the best quotes from sports stars, commentators and those who love sports. "Only he who can see the invisible can do the impossible." -Frank L. Gaines (1921 - 2012)

Double Village Idiot: A Laugh Out Loud Comedy Double

The Village Idiot Reviews

Join Brian as he tries to woo the girl that works in the local shop. Will passing out face down in super glue while trying to make her a gift hinder his chances of getting her to go out with him?

Will Father Frederick, an alcoholic vicar who has a slight issue with stalking, be able to win back the heart of a woman he loved a long time ago?

And will Ethel, who thinks that throwing hard rice instead of confetti in a bridegroom's face is an acceptable form of sport, be able to use her trick to catch one of these two losers as they step out of the church on the happy day?

We guarantee you've never heard a book quite like this before; it's written entirely in the form of product reviews. Hilarious and wholly original, The Village Idiot Reviews pokes gentle fun at the more obscure corners of your favorite e-commerce sites. It introduces the most bonkers set of countryside dwellers since The Vicar of Dibley.

More Village Idiot Reviews

It's been a year since their last outing. Brian, Ethel, and Father Frederick are back with more village idiocy.

Frederick has injured his nipples in a vicious moped accident while on his honeymoon, and he no longer feels like a man. He's taken up the drink again, and is making people's lives a misery with his antics. He can't work out why strange men keep following him while he's out drunk-driving, though.

Brian's concentrating on getting through married life while trying to find a hobby that doesn't hurt. His cousin Jeff, from The Office Idiot Reviews, has moved in for the summer and is on hand to help Brian with his assertiveness when he is bullied by the local biker, Jock.

Drive, Ride, Repeat: The Mostly True Account of a Cross-Country Car and Bicycle Adventure

This book is wildly funny. I lost track of how many times I laughed out loud. - Kathleen, Amazon Reviewer Author Al Macy is a character and a tightwad with a unique sense of humor. He and his wife squirreled away enough money to retire early, do interesting things, and take unusual trips. As he puts it: "Every day I wake up with nothing to do, and by the end of the day, I've only gotten half of it done." During his working life, Macy was a neuroscientist, computer game programmer, jazz trombonist, chef, CEO, piano player, clam digger, and technical writer. The book is a journal of a car/bicycle/camping trip from California to St. Louis and back, but Macy promises that "if it starts sounding like one of your brother-in-law's boring slide shows, I will stop this book, and we'll turn around and go home. I mean it." Interspersed with the journal chapters, you'll find thought-provoking life tips, stories from the past, and descriptions of Al's wacky inventions. You'll hear poignant anecdotes about what happened when doctors discovered a golf-ball-sized tumor in his wife's brain and how everything they owned burned. But it's not a downer--trust me!

Candide

Candide is a French satire first published in 1759 by Voltaire, a philosopher of the Age of Enlightenment. The novella has been widely translated, with English versions titled Candide: or, All for the Best (1759); Candide: or, The Optimist (1762); and Candide: or, Optimism (1947). It begins with a young man, Candide, who is living a sheltered life in an Edenic paradise and being indoctrinated with Leibnizian optimism (or simply "optimism") by his mentor, Professor Pangloss. The work describes the abrupt cessation of this lifestyle, followed by Candide's slow, painful disillusionment as he witnesses and experiences great hardships in the world. Voltaire concludes with Candide, if not rejecting optimism outright, advocating a deeply practical precept, "we must cultivate our garden," in lieu of the Leibnizian mantra of Pangloss, "all is for the best" in the "best of all possible worlds." Candide is characterised by its sarcastic tone as well as by its erratic, fantastical and fast-moving plot. A picaresque novel with a story similar to that of a more serious bildungsroman, it parodies many adventure and romance cliches, the struggles of which are caricatured in a tone that is mordantly matter-of-fact. Still, the events discussed are often based on historical happenings, such as the Seven Years' War and the 1755 Lisbon earthquake. As philosophers of Voltaire's day contended with the problem of evil, so too does Candide in this short novel, albeit more directly and humorously. Voltaire ridicules religion, theologians, governments, armies, philosophies, and philosophers through allegory; most conspicuously, he assaults Leibniz and his optimism. As expected by Voltaire, Candide has enjoyed both great success and great scandal. Immediately after its secretive publication, the book was widely banned because it contained religious blasphemy, political sedition and intellectual hostility hidden under a thin veil of naivete. However, with its sharp wit and insightful portrayal

Daddy's Little Girl

Miranda and Me

Hello and welcome to the first book ever written by a dog - me, Miss Peggy Hart. I just couldn't wait any longer for Miranda's book all about me (Peggy and Me) to come out in October so decided to release my own book ahead of Miranda, and here it is!

It turns out I am not just pretty face. And what a pretty face I hear you say. I know. Just look at me. I like to say I look like a cloud breathed by angels. I just say it how I see it. But my skills are not just my incredible natural beauty, I am also quite the literary whizz. And I hope you like my book .

What's even more exciting is it contains Twitter stories from the nation's own #AndMe moments, the best of which Miranda and I have hand-selected to appear in this ebook! The great British public have spilled the beans on their own doting companions, canine or otherwise. Oh and it also contains a sneak preview from Peggy and Me AND an exclusive introduction from none other than moi and Miranda. Expect laughter and tears - fuelled by a rich reserve of chaotic cats, pompous pooches and the odd human along the way.

I do so hope you like it because I love you very much and want to make you happy. I am lovely like that. Lots of licks and woofs to you and I hope to meet you in person one day.

The Pegster signing out (but do follow me on Twitter @realpeggyhart).

Work Wife Balance

'This is well-written, very funny and I raced through it, occasionally squealing in horror at the antics of Kate's colleagues. It's also a joy to read about a strong woman with a big job and fiery opinions, a nice antidote to the sugary sweet sort of chick lit.' DAILY MAIL. Kate King is furiously flailing to keep afloat. As her team bicker, finger-point and cheat their way through rumours of sackings and site closures, her ill-tempered husband is becoming increasingly embittered and secretive. Kate knows she must address his petulant question: "Surely there's more to life than this?" but all her energies are required to dodge the corporate bullets constantly fired in her direction. Under pressure from an attractive, younger colleague, Kate is also concerned by her sudden invisibility to the opposite sex and the alarming appearance of back fat. Disturbingly, beige knitwear has started to call to her from the shelves of M&S. Growing more and more suspicious of her husband's activities, pressure builds on Kate both at work and at home until her turbulent year reaches its climactic end. Can she continue to balance precariously between work and marriage, or is one end of the scales going to hit the ground with a resounding thud?

Foggy's Blog

A Very Foggy Christmas

I am Morten Astley Fogarty - insurance complaint handler, part-time barista and all-round entertainer. My career at the Perypils call centre has really taken off since my colleagues all voted for me to leave the team and transfer to complaints; I was chuffed to bits at being chosen! I love helping our customers resolve their concerns and as I've only received three death threats so far, I'm clearly doing something right. On Sundays, I work with an extremely talented Chef, Joe, who trained under the calming influence of Gordon Ramsay. Joe's party-trick is to hurl his bread knife through the kitchen hatch towards my head. He always deliberately misses, of course; we do have such fun! My girlfriend, Myra, is a wonderful actress and our director has tried her in lots of different positions. I know Myra is desperate to secure a leading part in our Christmas production, The Wizard of Oz and she has been scouring eBay for ruby slippers, size 9. Let's hope she can continue to satisfy the director!

Barry Loser: My Dad is a Loser (The Barry Loser Series)

My Dad is a Loser is a madcap must-read for boys who love funny books such as Mr Gum and Wimpy Kid.

For all non-loserish dads and their sons. Read this little book to find out why I, Barry Loser, am definitely not at all loserish, even though my dad definitely is. Praise for my other book, I Am Not A Loser, which is about 8 million times longer than this one:

'Brilliant' - My mum.

'Amazing' - Also my mum

Jim Smith's hilarious illustrated books with their distinctive style and comedy genius make him (and Barry, of course) the coolest - or 'keelest' - new writer of books for kids who love to have fun when they read. Fans of Diary of a Wimpy Kid or David Walliams will love Barry Loser's stories. Jim is also the creator of Waldo Pancake.

Diary of NINJA BOY & Fartypants: Everybody hates Mondays

Hi, my name is Manny Monday. I wish my parents could have named me something cool like Mad Dog Monday, or Muscles Monday. But here I am, good ole Manny. At least I have fartypants. He's my best friend. And when things get serious? That's when I become Ninja Boy...people get saved, girlfriends get rescued, and butts get kicked!

The Roommate (A New Adult Novel)

Cities tend to be glamorized by movies and Instagram pictures, but the truth is it's harder to live in urban areas than expected. Stepping out onto the urine-soaked streets of San Francisco can be overwhelming, especially if you're a slightly overweight, single, small-town girl.

In order to cover the cost of over-priced city rent, twenty-three-year-old Mallory Bates is forced to do the responsible thing and ask a complete stranger to move in with her. Kaden Covington, her supposed Southern belle roommate, turns out to be a he rather than the she Mallory expected. Mallory has always been lacking in the boyfriend department, so she's naive to the signs of a budding relationship with Kaden until it's too late to turn off the emotions.

On top of an unconventional living situation, Mallory's first client at her PR firm, Rachel Hines, is a demanding nightmare.

Follow Mallory's journey as she navigates through the tough "firsts" as an adult.

Sergeant Smelly & Captain Chunder Save The Day

Will the evil Onionman conquer the world and fulfil his dream of world domination? Will Sergeant Smelly's fire-farts defeat the evil forces of doom and despair? Can the newly formed superhero duo of Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder save the day? Will farting ever stop being funny? Find out the answers to these questions and many more in the hilarious adventures of Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder.

The Mucky Princess: The Mucky Princess Series, Book 1

The Mucky Princess is the first in a series of children's books written as if a fairy story, but in a modern style. The stories are entertaining and humorous, touching on moral issues such as kindness, courage, and tolerance, but are in no way preachy or teachy.

The Princess lives in a beautiful palace and has everything she could possibly need. But the palace is rather boring, and she seeks mischief and adventure by hiding from the servants and getting as mucky as possible. One day she falls through a small door in the palace wall, meets a shepherd boy, and her adventures really begin!

Best Jokes 2014

One hundred of hilarious and funny jokes !

Have fun and laugh!

Prank Gone Wrong: Rebekah, Mouse & RJ: Special Edition

Rebekah, Mouse and RJ each have their own fun short story series and sometimes they come together, bringing you these special editions.

They all love hanging out, solving mysteries and playing pranks together and we hope you will enjoy these special times as well.

It's going to be a great weekend because RJ is coming to Curtis Bay to hang out with his fun detective cousin Rebekah and her best friend Mouse. What RJ doesn't know is that they are planning to introduce and invite him to join Mouse's Secret Club...introduce him to it with a funny prank that is on him until it looks like it might be on the whole town!

Yikes! It looks like the gang might have some explaining to do!

49 Excuses for Not Tidying Your Bedroom (The 49... Series Book 1)

Is your bedroom a tip?... Did you forget to tidy?... Can you hear the sound of parental footsteps getting closer and closer?... Here's 49 (extremely silly) excuses for not tidying your bedroom!

Join the comical adventure of these mischievous kids who will try absolutely anything to get away with not tidying their bedrooms. With an illustration for each haphazard attempt, you're guaranteed to laugh, smirk, and chuckle for hours.

Disclaimer: reading this eBook will probably make you giggle, but won't help you get away with having a messy bedroom.

Recommended Age: 10+

Free Story "The Girl Who Wanted to be a Princess" from Newfangled Fairy Tales

Michelle Koszlowski desparately wantes to be a princess until her wish comes true and she discovers what a pain royal life can be.

The full collection of ten contemporary fairy tales is the second in the critically acclaimed series--puts a delightful new spin on classic stories and themes. Michelle Koszlowski desparately wantes to be a princess until her wish comes true and she discovers what a pain royal life can be. The Little Tailor brags to everyone about his bravery until a giant comes along and teaches him a lesson. Rapunzel is held captive in a high-rise apartment by an urban witch who owns a pizza parlor. A postmodern wolf refuses to eat the bratty Little Red Riding Hood and her sickly grandmother. Hansel is so obsessed with candy that he steals Gretel's piggy bank and runs off to the Old Witch's Candy Factory.

My Funny Major Medical

Laughter might be the best medicine, but it's not covered by Medicare. So this little book provides a low-cost, over-the-counter dosage to cheer up (and/or terrify) those who find themselves on the wrong end of health maintenance. (Whichever the "wrong end" might be.) Some of the funniest humor writers on the scene today share their stories, jokes, therapeutic venting, and scans of the process of Getting Better - including some medical personnel who didn't realize they were being funny. Contributors include columnists, comedians, authors, TV writers, and people with unauthorized access to hospital files. This inexpensive, pocket-sized book is a time-released "get well card" for the ailing and afflicted, an inside chuckle for medical professionals, and a collection of healing fun for those who aren't under care at the moment. Contents include: Previews of Coming Contractions; My Hysterical-Ectomy; Sometimes It Is Brain Surgery; Waiting for Dr. Godot; The Missing Vagina Monologues; The Patients of Job; The Ma'am-O-Gram; Hip Op Album; When Make-A-Wish Goes Bad; Specialists' Opinion on ObamaCare; Confessions of a Candy Striper. A great collection of laughs for anybody associated with Medicine from any perspective, these fine writers and hilarious bloopers will have you in stitches...if you aren't already.

poetry book: Einstein’s Cat: short book of funny, illustrated, original quick read poems (Get Your Wordsworth 1)

If Ogden Nash, Dr. Seuss and Friedrich Neitzsche got together to write a book of poetry for emerging adults, they'd probably be disappointed to find Tom Skinner had beaten them to the punch.

For children with inquisitive minds and a sense of adventure, this book of offbeat poetry blends creativity and entertaining turns of phrases to get readers aged 8-15 to think outside any boxes convention may impose.

Taking off on the works of the wild-haired Father of Physics, Einstein's Cat erases the equation from the blackboard and gives your children permission to think on their own. Yes, a clean slate!

This collection of poems will ignite your kids to reason on their own while developing unique views of life with its inconsistencies, diversity and immutable wonder.

Praise for Skinner's work:

'As a teacher, I know that kids and teens love ideas from left field, a play on words that makes them giggle, and stretches their creative language skills. Tom's book lifts poetry, puns and ideas from the ordinariness of life, to playful comments and musings...'

'I love Shel Silverstein books (who doesn't). But this book is something more, something different. The poems are full of voluptuous words and pleasurable word play that sit in your mouth like pieces of melting chocolate. Yes, they are that good.'

Some writers mistakenly talk down to young readers, while Tom speaks with his audience in a unique voice that is refreshing, encouraging, and adventurous.

So go ahead and read along with your kids and wrap your brains around such works as Einstein's Cat, Woks Happ'ning Bro? and Stop and Smell the (Grumpy) Roses.

Einstein's Cat is the first standalone book in the unconventional poetry-prose fusion collection, Get Your Wordsworth.

***For a limited time, you can get the latest book in the Get Your Wordsworth poetry collection, Overload, for free - click here to find out more > http://bit.do/TomsWordPlayRocks (just copy and paste into your browser)***

Interview with the AuthorQ - So, what makes the Get Your Wordsworth series special?

A - When I set out to write these books, I wanted to create a new type of poetry. A poetry-prose hybrid that was much less rigid, formal or technical than the traditional model and one that did not bore the buttocks off bright young people.

Overall, the Get Your Wordsworth series is designed for those, young and old alike, who appreciate the English language in all its nuanced, layered and textured glory and who can handle a judicious mix of the super silly and gently philosophical all imbued with a healthy dose of wry and dry humor!

Q - What order should I read the books in?

A - I've written the series so you can read the books in any order. If you do want to read them in the order they were written:

- Einstein's Cat

- Pavlov's Dog

- It's Slapstick

- Plain Crazy

- Too Much TV

- Tractor Gate

- Overload

Q - So, why should readers give these books a try?

A - Because the Get Your Wordsworth series is for mavericks and early adopters who are looking for urban, contemporary poetry prose with a twist for Generation Z who may not have the time, attention or inclination for more traditional poetry styles.

Ultimately, readers who think poetry is a tad tedious but who enjoy wit, whimsy, puns, satire and wordplay in a highly succinct, quick-read format, will get a kick out of this series.

Q - Can readers get the whole series in one go?

A - Sure. I've put together a box-set bundle if people want to save a little moolah and grab the first six books in one swoop. Check out my author page here at Amazon for more details, and a full list of my available titles.











101 Dirty Jokes - sexual and adult's jokes

Sex and humor. 101 hilarious and dirty jokes for adults.

Revolting Rhymers: Competition Winners

The Winning Entries of the most REVOLTING Poetry Competition!



To celebrate the BBC's new two-part animation of Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes, the Roald Dahl Literary Estate launched a poetry competition with a twist, asking chiddlers far and wide to submit their most revolting - and humorous rhymes. We were inundated with thousands of disgusterous entries! To discover our winners, we waded through burps, farts and rotten eggs; bogies, vile stew and goo to find the funniest and most revolting specimens. This eBook contains the creme de la phlegm-hand picked by children's author, songwriter and McFly frontman, Tom Fletcher, and Wales's Children's Poet Laureate, Anni Llyn.

A huge thank you to our revolting partners Puffin Books, the National Literacy Trust, Literature Wales, Magic Light, and the Roald Dahl Museum and Story Centre for all their help and support!

Angus Adams: the adventures of a free-range kid: Volume 1 (The Free-Range Kid Mysteries)

As a free range kid, Angus is allowed to do things other kids his age aren't - like play in the street and hang out at the park without adults (shock, horror!) But when he's accused of stealing an iPhone from school, Angus must use all of his brains, resilience, and courage to catch the real thief, clear his name, and outwit the seriously bad dudes hot on his tail!

Folly Bistro: Chefs, Cons & Patrons

FOLLY BISTRO is a humorous account of all the turmoils, pitfalls and fights; ambitions and hopes, failures and successes of an iconic French Bistro in the heart of Vancouver over the span of 2 turbulent years. It's filled with plenty of drama, hilarity and outrageous personalities. FOLLY BISTRO is essential reading for anybody wanting to get into or out of the restaurant business !

151+ Blonde Jokes: Funny Blonde Jokes

The Funniest Blonde Jokes in the World!Did you know that laughing can have a positive physical and mental effects on the body! Laughter can lower blood pressure, lighten tense situations, and help you bond with friends and family. Jokes, humor, and comedy come in many forms. Whether it is a few funny jokes, a silly joke book, or a funny movie, we can all benefit from the positive effects of comedy and humor! You'll love this hilarious joke book. Share a funny joke with a friend today!151+ funny blonde jokesHilarious blonde insults and humorHours of funny jokes and entertainmentAre you looking for funny and hilarious blonde jokes?With this MASSIVE collection of funny blonde jokes you can make everyone laugh! This book full of funny blonde jokes is perfect for any occasion. You and your friends will laugh for hours at this funny joke book.Uses for funny jokes...Can aid in story-tellingGreat for conversation startersImproves conversation and social skillsCan make others laugh, smile, and be more playfulCan lighten tense moods and create repoire with othersLaugh until it hurts...Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?A: Someone said that the drinks were on the house.Funny Blonde Jokes!Q: How would a blonde kill a fish?A: She would try to drown it.HAHA!Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?A: Put her in front of a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say hello.Funny Blonde Jokes!Q: Why don't blondes like audio-books?A: There are no pictures.HAHA!Q: What is dumber than the blonde jokes above?A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these damn things.Funny Blonde Jokes!LOL Funny Jokes ClubThe LOL Funny Jokes Club is dedicated to comedy. We'll tickle your funny bone with our side-splitting jokes and humor. Whether it's funny and hilarious one-liners, dirty adult jokes, or laugh-out-loud rib tickling knee slappers, the LOL Funny Jokes Club does it all! Laugh until it hurts!Scroll up and click "buy" to start laughing now!Tags: blonde jokes, b

Story Stack: Action-packed story starters for ages 6-8 and 9-12

Not sure what to get the kids to read next? Let them decide! Story Stack includes Chapters 1-4 of the following fun, fast-paced and popular illustrated chapter books by Karen Inglis: Henry Haynes and the Great Escape (for 6-8yrs) | Eeek! The Runaway Alien (for 7-10yrs) | Chapter 1 of Walter Brown and the Magician's Hat (for 7-9yrs) PLUS Chapters 1-3 of The Secret Lake (for 8-12 yrs). The Secret Lake is Karen's bestselling time travel mystery adventure story, enjoyed by over 7,000 readers. Karen has been praised by teachers, librarians, parents and reading charities for getting the most reluctant readers turning the pages. Full books available to order in print and/or for Kindle once the kids have had their say :)

Order with one click for free today - we think the kids and preteens will be back for more...!

Arseda: The World's Worst Customer Service

What happens when you give a comedy author the control of a supermarkets social media account? Well, we don't know, none of them are that silly. However we do know what happens when the author makes an account that looks just like the supermarkets and starts answering their customers queries. Imagine you're angry, you're angry at the supermarket for not delivering your shopping on time or for sending you the wrong items. Then imagine that they didn't care when you told them about it, or worse still, turned the customer service dial down even further and told you some home truths. Welcome to Arseda: the worlds worst customer services. These are 100% real conversations which happened on Twitter.

100+ Knock Knock Jokes: Funny Knock Knock Jokes for Kids (Funny Jokes for Kids)

Best-Selling Joke Book for Kids!Are you looking for a fun book to keep the kids entertained and happy? This funny joke book for kids is excellent for early and beginning readers. Laughing and jokes have been proven to have positive mental and physical effects on the body!This books is especially great for long trips, waiting rooms, and reading aloud at home.100+ knock knock funny jokesExcellent for early and beginner readersHours of fun and entertainment for kids and childrenGreat for long trips, waiting rooms, and reading aloudFunny and hilarious knock knock jokes for children of all ages, teens, and adults.From this Funny Joke Book...Knock knock!Who's there?Bless!Bless who?I didn't sneeze!LOL!Knock knock!Who's there?Auntie!Auntie who?Auntie glad to see me again!HAHA!Knock knock!Who's there?Zeke!Zeke who?Zeke and ye shall find!LOL!Knock knock!Who's there?Arnie!Arnie who!Arnie having fun?HAHA!Knock knock!Who's there?Carl!Carl who?Carl get you there faster than walking will!Best-Selling Author Johnny B. LaughingThe Joke King is back with another hilarious joke book full of funny, laugh-out-loud, crazy comedy and MASSIVE assortment of knock knock jokes for children of all ages, teens, and adults. This awesome joke book for kids is easy to read and full of laughs!WARNING: This funny joke book will cause you to laugh hysterically!Scroll up and click 'buy' to start laughing today!Tags: funny knock knock jokes for kids, funny joke, funny jokes, lol, jokes, food, joke book, knock knock book, ebook, books, funny, knock knock jokes, ebooks, funny jokes, kids, haha, hilarious, children, joke, kid, funny jokes for children, kids books, childrens books, childrens book, kids book, kids books, funny knock knock jokes, joke book, food book, joke books, hilarious, lol, laughing, laughter, knock knock, funny jokes, funny joke book, book for kids, kindle book, kindle ebook, joke, jokes, jokes for kids, jokes for children, knock knock jokes, knock knock jokes for kids, funny jokes, jo

The Beef Jerky Gang: Volume 1

When Peter Mills descends into the creepy basement of Finley Junior High, he discovers a dark and twisted truth: girls haven't always ruled the world. Now armed with a book of ancient, forbidden man secrets (such as how to make paper airplanes, stink bombs, and beef jerky), Peter and his friends think they've found the recipe to changing their lives. But the boys of the Beef Jerky Gang will soon find out that the girls aren't about to give up control to a bunch of prank-pulling punks. Join Peter and his friends in this hilarious first book of the Beef Jerky Gang series.

134.2 QI Facts to Leave You Flabbergasted: Free EBook Sampler

'This may look like a free ebook sampler, but it's actually a portal. While you may read this in just twenty minutes, each little nugget is only the visible tip of an information iceberg.'

In this free ebook sampler to accompany the new book 1,342 QI Facts To Leave You Flabbergasted, come face-to-face with some of the most mind-blowing facts in the QI universe, such as: The sun gets 4 million tons lighter every second; The first scientifically named dinosaur bone was called Scrotum humanum because it looked like a giant pair of human testicles; A 'batman' was a unit of weight in the Ottoman Empire. Ben Affleck weighs about nine batmans; Making all the chain mail for The Lord of the Rings wore the costume designers' fingerprints away.

Enjoy the incredible world of QI facts.

A to Z of Silly Animals - The Best Selling Illustrated Children's Book for All Ages by Sprogling (The Silly Animals Series 1)

A wonderfully silly A to Z picture book of ridiculous mythical animals.

The charming, original illustrations and witty captions are sure to delight children of all ages as well as parents.

Enjoy the A to Z of Silly Animals with your child today!

Knock Knock! 150+ Knock Knock Jokes for Kids: Funny Jokes for Kids

Funny Knock Knock Jokes for Kids!Joke telling is very fun and can bring a smile to the face of others. Kids love jokes! Jokes can aid in story-telling, create laughs, and help with conversation and social skills. Your child will love this hilarious joke book full of clean knock knock jokes for children.150+ funny knock knock jokes!Excellent for early and beginning readersHours of fun and entertainment for your childGreat for long trips, waiting rooms, and reading aloudFunny and hilarious knock knock jokes for kidsKids and children can practice their reading and joke telling skills with this funny knock knock joke book. Beginning and early readers can enjoy hours of fun and entertainment.This book is especially great for traveling, waiting rooms, and reading aloud at home.Knock knock!Who's there?Cheese!Cheese who?Cheese a cute girl!HAHA!Knock knock!Who's there?Abbey!Abbey who?Abbey stung me on the nose!LOL!Knock knock!Who's there?Dewey!Dewey who?Dewey have to keep doing this?HAHA!Knock knock!Who's there?Moo!Moo who?Are you a cow or an owl?Funny Knock Knock Jokes for Kids! (Clean Jokes for Children)This funny joke book is full of funny knock knock jokes that will have you laughing for hours! This is one of the best joke collections in the world. These knock knock will make you and your friends giggle. These funny jokes are excellent for kids, children, teens, and adults. Early and beginner readers can practice reading aloud and learning.Best-Selling Joke Book Author, Johnny B. LaughingThe Joke King, Johnny B. Laughing is a best-selling children's joke book author. He is a jokester at heart and enjoys a good laugh, pulling pranks on his friends, and telling funny and hilarious jokes! He has a wide variety of published joke books and a very successful joke website.Scroll up and click 'buy' to start laughing today!tags: knock knock, knock knock jokes for kids, funny knock knock jokes for kids, funny joke, funny jokes, lol, jokes, food, joke book, knock knock book, ebook,

Confessions of a Queen B*: Volume 1 (The Queen B*)

Alexis Wyndham is the other type of Queen B-the Queen B*tch. After years of being the subject of ridicule, she revels in her ability to make the in-crowd cower via the exposes on her blog, The Eastline Spy. Now that she's carved out her place in the high school hierarchy, she uses her position to help the unpopular kids walking the hallways. Saving a freshman from bullies? Check. Swapping insults with the head cheerleader? Check. Falling for the star quarterback? So not a part of her plan. But when Brett offers to help her solve the mystery of who's posting X-rated videos from the girls' locker room, she'll have to swallow her pride and learn to see past the high school stereotypes she's never questioned-until now."

Crap Day at Shit Creek (and Other Tosh)

** NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN! **

Three ludicrous, uproarious tales guaranteed to make you gurn, yodel and froth at the ears, or your money back.

Crap Day at Shit Creek

When trigger-happy Nathan 'Black Ball' Carillo arrives at Shit Creek, life is turned on its head. Appointing himself Sheriff, the population are either shot, hanged or jailed. But how will the townsfolk react when they discover Carillo has not one, but 237 dark secrets in his past? And for all his bravado, can he stand his ground when the Belch Gulch Boys hit town demanding two dollars fiddy?

The Truth Fog

Graham's on his way to an important interview, but will it go according to plan, given that an experimental truth-inducing gas has escaped from a nearby lab?

Whodunnit?

Detective Inspector Harris has a hard time identifying the killer of a mysterious house guest, murdered in a most bizarre way. Everyone from the condescending butler to the host's naive, sexy young daughter is a prime suspect, and the conclusions Harris draws from each clue are dubious to say the least. But can you identify the culprit before he does? Yes, you can, because he's a bonk(anag).

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING

"I thought my last book was the worst ever written, but I've moved the goalposts with this one."

Isaac Ummin, The Author

"Never heard of it."

Richard Head, New York Times

"While reading this on the tube, I was so shocked that my knickers blew off."

Mavis Prudely, London Gazette for the Frigid

"Well I disagree with the previous reviewer, my knickers stayed on from beginning to end. And I laughed out loud all the way through, even though I'm a fictitious person!"

Chris P Duck, Freelance Restroom Hygiene Executive

Also by Isaac Ummin:

Harry Pobbit and the Fifty Shades of Zombie Vampire Werewolf Trekkie Alien Eastend Hunger Twilight Life of Bi.

Dating an Alien Pop Star

Daisy Kirkwood has only just escaped her small-town life and run away to New York City, the land of last-minute secret gigs at famous musical venues, when she's kidnapped by aliens. Unfortunately, no one ever writes about how to handle alien abduction in those fancy NYC guidebooks. Griffin and Dev are supermassively sexy aliens from a politically and environmentally troubled planet who arrive on Earth with very little knowledge about human ways other than what they learned from a wayward "E! News" signal. Their mission is to pretend to be the most influential people on the planet English pop stars, of course! and gain the help of a powerful secret society. Upon arriving, they abduct Daisy Kirkwood, a nerdy young woman who loves music but could seriously use a bit of help in the love-life department. Though Griffin and Daisy initially squabble, neither can deny the intergalactic sparks whenever they're too close to each other. Together, they must face murderous aliens, cultural misunderstandings, bad backup musicians, and the dark side of fame and the media, all set against a tight deadline Part "High Fidelity," part "Bridget Jones' Diary," part "Doctor Who," "Dating an Alien Pop Star" is a sexy romantic comedy."

Funny Stories for Kids: Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves: (Kid's Books, Books For Kids, Children, Fractured Fairy Tales, Parody Books, Free Teen Books, Fiction Books for Teens, Humorous Books)

What would the story of "Snow White" be like if the princess was an idiot, the evil queen was completely incompetent, and the dwarves, instead of being happy and silly, were instead super gross and mean? The answer: "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves," a comedy short story that is so awesome you'll have to read it to believe it. (Brought to you by the famed Dweezel and Pallie.)

"[A] funny and clever little book... I like this version even better than the original story."

Chytach18, Reviewer for OnlineBookClub.org

"An amazing story, and hilariously funny to boot, perfect for kids and adults alike!"

Angela, Amazon UK reader

"It made me laugh. Grossed me out. Then makes you laugh some more."

Thelma Coots, Amazon reader

"One word : FUNNY! A new way of reading Snow White"

Isienie V., Amazon reader

*****

Take your expectations for a fairy tale and throw them out the window! A noble prince? Lame. A humble princess? What a loser! A happy ending? You wish. This eBook is way better than all that. It will make you giggle, laugh, and ask for more. Either that, or it will make you scream for it all to stop. The only way to know is to read it. Download "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves" now!

The Funny Stories for Kids series, written/recorded by Dr. Dexter Dweezel and Professor Parnassus Pallie, is an ongoing effort to make fairy tales less crappy. "Lily White and the Horrible Dwarves" is the first in this series, with more to come.

**Note: This story is not for babies. It can be crude, and has jokes about butts, poo, and drunk people. It also has a bit of cartoony violence. There is no swearing or sexual activity. If this story had a MPGG rating it would probably be PG, and would be comparable to a modern episode of the Simpsons.**

Two Legs, Three Legs, Four Legs: More Rescue Dog Stories With Duncan the Canine Tripod and his Friends Seamus, Shannon and Minnie (The Long, The Short and The Tall Book 2)

Meet the "Gang of Four", Seamus, Shannon, Minnie and Duncan the Canine Tripod.

All Rescue Dogs, they became firm friends over the years. Their story was told in Book One. "The Long, The Short and The Tall. Life with Rescue Dogs."

Now the Gang rides again! Read some more of their stories: happy stories, scary stories, but always true stories. Enjoy a walk out with them over Pendle Hill. Learn how Duncan almost lost another leg!

Whether you laugh or cry, this book will move you. Whether you laugh or cry, this book will move you.

Free Funny the eBook: Writing Comedy, Jokes, and Humor for Business, Public Speaking, or Just for Laughs

Do funny people have an advantage in business?

Yes. But only if you know what you're doing. Research has shown the ability to make others laugh builds better business relationships. Humor can put the nervous at ease, make an important point, and create an overall more enjoyable workplace. But only if you know what you're doing.

Have you ever wondered how humor works?

Free Funny the eBook offers an easy to follow explanation of Comic Structure. It goes into the process of how the human mind creates false expectations, and then how it can be surprised by the unexpected. Understanding how humor works is the first step to knowing what you're doing.

Have you ever wanted to write the funny at will?

This ebook applies Comic Structure to a step by step comedy writing system the Humor Generator. With this process anyone, even you, can learn to write the funny at will. All you have to do is follow the logical path of creating a false expectation and then revealing a surprise.

Free Funny the ebook gives you the tools to be appropriately humorous at work, in relationships, and life because you'll know what you're doing.

Heads or Tails

In the early 1980s a teenager named Johnny is verbally abused and forced to give up his love for music. As a consequence he makes a bad decision, that decision puts him in a coma. He is a talented young boy who is frowned upon as he finds success playing the piano and singing in his church choir. The local natives find it odd and fail to understand how gifted he really is and he becomes a target for those thugs that roam the council estate. The young lad is encouraged to quit what he is doing and goes down another road, a very tragic one. He diverts all his thoughts and energy away from his music and concentrates on proving himself to others with random sexual encounters instead. It leads him to a rather peculiar situation.

He ends up being filmed and being paid to have sex with a mature female whilst others watch. It is a bizarre situation which the young lad fails to come to terms with. The after effects of this odd experience are evident and one day he decides to get away and go on a bus trip to London. His decision to take the bus was catastrophic and it all came down to the simple act of flipping a coin.

The events leading up to that bus trip had a profound effect on the remainder of his life, which is only realised when he eventually wakes up. The people that visit him whilst unconscious in hospital are very influential to this story, so are the people who treat him and his many surroundings.

As limited as the memory becomes after such a horrific blow to his head, some images and voices presented to Johnny whilst in his coma remain in there and it gives the sense that he is still awake and living a real life, when all along it is just a dream. With the limited memory bank taking in all the new information, the brain is projecting a life that is totally fictional. This is realised when this unfortunate individual opens his eyes again.

It is for you to imagine what is actually happening at the time you are reading it. Picture in your mind what is occurring in real life whilst the episodes unfold. It is a combination of what is written and what you believe is actually taking place. As the drama continues he is unable to make any major decisions and prefers to toss a coin to determine what he does next. His existence whilst comatose could be quite horrific. On occasion he would be fuelled by what he believed at the time to be alcohol. He had to deal with his girlfriend Sarah leaving him for somebody else and with the horror of his son, Jimmy and daughter Emilly getting into a relationship he pondered with the idea of suicide. The misery he felt at times was often replaced by the uplifting influence of his sex-starved mate, Kenny.

The Epic Santa Chase: An Angus Adams Christmas Short Story

What would you do if a thief in a Santa costume took off with your iPad? If you're anything like Angus Adams, you might embark on a wild chase across the city, although perhaps not with a giant chicken and a nun in tow. Determined to stop the thief, Angus uses everything he's got and more. This fast paced story will have you running alongside him right up until the surprise ending that you won't see coming.

(A Christmas short-story for kids 9-12 years.)

My Best Friend's Brother

Free Story "Little Bad Wolf and Red Riding Hood" from Newfangled Fairy Tales

The Big Bad Wolf is running a successful scam on Little Red's Grandma until Little Red catches him in the act.

In this free short story Big Bad Wolf is running a successful scam on Little Red's Grandma until Little Red catches him in the act.



If you like this sample story, look for The Newfangled Fairy Tales series. Each fairy tale in the series puts a delightful new spin on classic stories and themes. King Midas is a workaholic banker who would rather play with his money than attend his son's Little League baseball games. The Three Bears invade Goldy's house because their forest home is being stripped to build a super highway. A Prince refuses to marry any of the grumpy princesses who lost sleep because there were peas under their mattresses. A clever princess pays a dragon to lose a fight so she can marry the man she loves. The twenty short stories in this series are lots of fun.

"Here is a new generation of fairy tales to make children laugh, not hide under the covers."

--Stephen Mooser, author of Young Marion's Adventures in Sherwood Forrest: A Girl's to the Rescue Novel

Money Jokes!: 50+ Funny Money Jokes (LOL Funny Jokes Club)

Who wants MONEY Jokes?Did you know that laughing can have positive physical and mental effects on the body? Laughter can lower blood pressure, lighten tense situations, and help you bond with friends and family. Jokes, humor, and comedy come in many forms. Whether it is a few funny jokes, a silly joke book, or a funny movie, we can all benefit from the positive effects of comedy and humor! You'll love this hilarious joke book.

Share a funny joke with a friend today!

Kindle Unlimited & Amazon Prime Members can read this book for FREE!50+ funny money jokesHilarious modern day humorLaugh out loud jokes and entertainmentWith this collection of funny money jokes you can make everyone laugh! This ebook full is perfect for any occasion. You and your friends will laugh at this funny joke book.

Uses for funny jokes...Can aid in story-tellingGreat for conversation startersImproves conversation and social skillsCan make others laugh, smile, and be more playfulCan lighten tense moods and create rapport with othersFrom the book...Q: What is most women's favorite book?

A: The checkbook!

LOL

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: Because it's worth every penny!

LOL

Patient: I have spent nearly my entire life's savings on medical bills!

Doctor: Why didn't you come to me sooner?

LOL Funny Jokes ClubThe LOL Funny Jokes Club is dedicated to comedy. We'll tickle your funny bone with our side-splitting jokes and humor. Whether it's funny and hilarious one-liners, dirty adult jokes, or laugh-out-loud rib tickling knee slappers, the LOL Funny Jokes Club does it all!

Scroll up and click "buy" to start laughing now!If for any reason you are unsatisfied, there is a 100% money back guarantee!

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Sooner or Later...You Will Get Caught

**SHORT STORY**TRUE STORY

Kids often do things they know they shouldn't do. And they all think they won't get caught. But this true story proves the adage - "It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but sooner or later....you WILL get caught"

This fun read begins with a young girl, and her budding career in parental note forgery. Thirty years later, it comes back to haunt her in the most amusing way -proving once and for all that what goes around, comes around! Perfect short read for those "waiting for the kids to get out of school/practice/dance/etc." moments.

Includes a bonus excerpt from Stranger Danger - How to Talk to Kids About Strangers.

Nerd Jokes!: Over 250 Math and Science Jokes!

You've found it. This is the motherload of all math and science jokes that have ever been told. We've packed over 250 jokes from different categories into a single collection that is sure to have your side splitting and tears rolling. You'll get the best jokes hand selected from the following categories:

Miscellaneous Nerd Jokes...

Math Jokes...

Physics Jokes...

Chemistry Jokes...

Biology Jokes...

The Mathematician, Physicist, and the Engineer...

Senseless Attraction

Little Green Men

EVERYTHING CRAZY ABOUT BEING GREEDY

" 100% complete, great enlightenment " - Ellen Robinson

" poetic work " - Sarah DiMaggio

" within these pages lies a fundamental logic , a must read " - Kate Ramos

" A phenomenal piece of literature " - Kevin Herald

This book is full with blank pages, we can't find anything to say regarding this subject.

Funny Stories for Kids: Family Wars Episode I: The Forced Dinner: Star Wars Parody, Kid's Books, Books For Kids, Children, Sci-fi, Parody Books, Teen Books, Fiction Books for Teens, Humorous Books)

In a galaxy ravaged by tyranny, planets are destroyed at the push of a button and empires are brought down by farm boys and scoundrels. Dark Zader was one of the most powerful men in the galaxy, but when he threw his emperor down a shaft, he found himself without a job.

Living with his kids and down on his luck, he finds that he only has one solution, beg for his old job back from the very emperor he thought he'd killed.

Read as this family of rebel scum scrambles to prepare a dinner fit for an emperor in the most ridiculous culinary experience ever.

Double the excitement.

Triple the laughs.

Paintbrush illustrations.

This is...

Family Wars Episode I: The Forced Dinner

A Month of Bedtime Stories: the First Five Stories (and off you went to the woods)

The first five stories of the highly praised collection, "A Month of Bedtime Stories".

Children will love being the main character and hearing about the adventures they had earlier in the day. ("You don't remember? It must have been that bonk on the head that made you forget!") Parents too will enjoy the humor and imagination of this book of immersive, read-aloud bedtime tales.

Contaminated Samples

A free sampler containing the outrageous first chapters from Frankie's three books My Shit Life So Far, Work! Consume! Die! and Scotland's Jesus. Perfect for when you want to feel deeply offended.

MY SHIT LIFE SO FAR: 'I don't think anyone can have written an autobiography without at some point thinking "Why would anyone want to know this shit?" I've always read them thinking "I don't want to know where Steve Tyler grew up, just tell me how many groupies he f**ked!"'

So begins Frankie's outrageous, laugh-out loud, cynical rant on life as he knows it.

WORK! CONSUME DIE!: Stand-up comedy's favourite pessimist, Frankie Boyle, offers his laugh-out-loud, cynical rant on life as he knows it. He describes your reality as viewed through a bloodshot eye pressed against a shit-smeared telescope, focused on hell.

SCOTLAND'S JESUS: Reading Scotland's Jesus should be like being called into the living room by your child shouting that they see a little red dot on the head of a TV newscaster, then riding the white hot bullet through the propaganda circuitry of his or her exploding brain.

Pathetic Sick Sniffy Pants: A funny, read-aloud, bedtime story for kids aged 5 to 9

[Insert the name of your child] travels back in time to Camelot and has some amazing - and rather odd - adventures while on a quest ... for shampoo.

This story appears in the collection "The Revolting Brains".

Roasts and Toasts Stolen from the All-Time Great Comedians: A Book of Revelations

I am a ghost writer.

After heart valve replacement surgery in August of 2004, I suffered a small stroke and slipped into a coma. I died from surgical complications on October 5, 2004, in Westwood, California at the age of 82.

In life, I wore a rumpled suit with one hand perpetually loosening my trademark red necktie. I took the stage as a hapless, self-deprecating Everyman slapped around by life and searching in vain for acceptance.

After seeing the Francis Ford Coppola movie The Godfather in 1972, I came up with a new angle that would reshape my routine. All I heard was the word "respect." I thought to myself: It sounds like a funny image -- a guy who gets no respect.

In 1995, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences rejected my application for membership. A letter from Roddy McDowall of the actors branch explained that I had failed to execute enough of the kinds of roles that allow a performer to demonstrate the mastery of his craft. It was the ultimate rejection, but I played it to the hilt. I had established my own Web site, and my fans used it to express their indignation. The public reaction prompted the Academy to reverse itself and offer membership.

I declined.

I was a rarity among comedians in the late 20th century--I remained a one-liner comic of the old school whose best work was done before a live audience.

I'm sure you remember some of my best one-liners:

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys, and one night a week she goes out with the boys.

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffeur."

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly, too!"

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? One time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

Hey, I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines thanked me for flying United.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I loved giving advice to guys. For example, somebody asked me how to deal with the awkwardness of the morning after a one-night stand:

A guy wants to get out of there as fast as he can, but he doesn't want to look like he wants to get out of there.

My method is foolproof.

You simply turn to the young lady and say, in your best romantic voice, the following: "You know what's great about today? It's Wednesday. I don't work on Wednesdays, so I can take the whole day off. You and me, babe, are going out to a simple coffee shop for a classic New York breakfast. Then, we're going to stroll Fifth Avenue, go shopping, go to Tiffany's, go to Saks, we'll buy you something special. After that, a romantic lunch at the Boat House in Central Park with pink champagne. And a stroll though the park hand in hand, in the afternoon, as the sun dapples the leaves and the light turns golden. Then we'll have a quiet drink at the Oak Bar in the Plaza, and then to the Rainbow Room for champagne and dancing. And then to a little dive I know downtown for a romantic late dinner. How does that sound?"

And she'll say, "It sounds wonderful. But today is Thursday."

And I'll say, "Thursday??!! I gotta get out of here!!"

I race out. She's convinced I'm not really a cad--just a guy who loses track of the days of the week.

Problem solved.

Open Access Policy

You are free to share, copy, or redistribute the materials in this text in any medium or format. You are free to adapt, reuse, modify, transform, or build upon the materials in this text for any purpose whatsoever.

Why I had a home-birth: A journey to clinic rules and practices

All women fear childbirth and none more than me. I wanted to be drugged and wake up with a baby in my arms. The idea of giving birth without drugs, was not an option. And yet, once I started researching, in order to fight that uncontrollable terror and fear, I realized that childbirth was this bogeyman that was man made, and once we let our bodies take over, and let them do what they were designed for, childbirth can be an empowering, loving experience and that it is nothing as they describe it to be. This booklet will show you in simplified ways what I found out. I wanted it light, quick to read, with a touch of humor, in order to reassure moms to be, and maybe entice them to do their own research before succumbing to the rumors and the bad rep childbirth has. It is not a book about convincing, but about lifting a veil and let you see there are several ways of bringing a child into this world. I hope it will comfort you, make you laugh, raise some awareness, and make you see yourself in a different way, now that you are engaging into a significant transformation.

Bex Carter 1: Aunt Jeanie's Revenge (The Bex Carter Series)

Thirteen-year-old Bex Carter has a lot on her plate. Her biggest challenge is living with her Aunt Jeanie. As much as Bex tries to please her aunt, they always seem to butt heads. Sometimes Bex feels as if Aunt Jeanie goes out of her way to make her life miserable. Aunt Jeanie enrolls Bex in a social group called the Silver Roses, a group that's supposed to teach young girls how to be proper ladies. It turns out to be nothing more than a club for snobs. Bex wants out, but she's made a deal with Aunt Jeanie. Will Bex take a stand against the Silver Roses or will their snobbery rub off on her? Grades 5-8

The Haunted Dollhouse (The Ghost Store)

Lottie Landers is 15 years old. She can see ghosts and she helps them with any unfinished business.

In this first story, Lottie's dad brings a dollhouse into the family store. A ghost is attached to it. It doesn't take Lottie long to connect with the ghost, but when she does, her heart fills with sadness.

This is going to be a difficult case for Lottie, but she is determined to help the ghost.

PC Allo Allo Allo IQ & PC Truncheon Carrier: Car Crash

PC Allo Allo Allo IQ and PC Truncheon Carrier are at the scene of a car crash. Contains violence, strong language and adult themes. Adult Comic Strip. WARNING: For adults only.

Burn's World - In every love triangle, a heart must break : A romantic suspense, Interracial romance book: (Book 1)

"If you've ever stalked your ex on Facebook, or cried when the man you loved married another, then you will love Burn's World." Amazon Reviewer for romantic crime stories

******

"If you've ever stalked your ex on Facebook, or cried when the man you loved married another, then you will love Burn's World." Amazon Reviewer

*********

When the school star athlete, blue-eyed, blonde haired, Brody McGraw asks Burn out, she can hardly believe her luck. Brody is crazy about Burn, she is crazy about Brody, and it is a huge thrill to finally change her relationship status on Facebook to 'In a relationship.'

However, Brody's mother has huge political plans for her family, and she makes it clear that they do not include someone like mixed-race Burn. Because of Dawn's rejection, Burn suffers severe bouts of self-loathing and eventually makes a decision that breaks her heart - she walks away from Brody and his racist family. Brody is crushed and tries desperately to change Burn's mind.

Enter Trojan Catrell, a street thug, and an enemy of Brody McGraw. He's noticed Brody and Burn together, and since he holds a grudge against the over privileged Brody, he decides that he's going to make Burn his. Bad boy Trojan sets about wooing Burn.

There's a problem: Burn's not interested in Trojan and his tattoos. Her heart still longs for Brody McGraw, despite everything. There's a bigger problem: Trojan has no intention of taking no for an answer. In fact, when Burn rejects him, he becomes obsessed with her, especially since he's never been rejected by a woman before.

Then there's an even bigger problem: Brody is furious at Trojan's gall, and swears to find a way to get even with Trojan.

Then there's an even bigger problem, huge! Trojan is possessive, jealous and dangerous. He is not someone you should cross. Ever.

Yet ... Burn manages to cross him. The result is an explosion of epic proportion.

Book Two of Burn's World - When You Touch Me Like That, is available for sale and is free on kindleunlimited.

Reviews:

"Once you read this book every other book you read after it pales in comparison."

"If you see Eve Rabi as the author of a book, you can guarantee it will be well worth the money to read. Her Burn series are exciting, sensual, and realistic." Amazon reviewer

"Very good read. I just started reading it yesterday and I just couldn't put it down."

"This book was great. Rabi writing was unique and interesting. I was laughing and reading, even took a longer break just to keep reading."

"I loved it. I laughed, I got angry enough to pause my kindle, and I cried. I'm a picky reader and I'm glad this book didn't leave me asking for a refund."

"This is a smokin' hot series. I am addicted, I can't wait for each book."

YouTube video:

http://youtu.be/JAXPeXrP5

Have you got Eve's Rabi's free books? If you haven't, click on www.everabi.wordpress.com & for a limited time download 4 free books!

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Hot Shots FC

This is the first book in the 'stupidly funny' football series, Hot Shots FC. It is for children aimed 6-12 who like football, or being silly, or laughing out loud again and again!

It follows the fortunes of Hat Trick Boy, who is selected to join local side Hammers FC. But there is a problem: his friends aren't picked. So Hat Trick Boy has to choose between his friends and his football, and he makes a mistake. He deserts his friends and decides to join the rather rough Hammers FC. But he doesn't know his friends are about to set up the greatest junior football club ever, Hot Shots FC...

Ward of the Flies: A Child Counselor's F*ck-My-Life True Story

Clint Looney baby-sits the insane.

To land his dream job in gifted education, Clint needs experience. He takes the only position available: counselor at a summer camp for disturbed children. But school never taught him to handle real-world crazy.

To get the job recommendations they need, Clint and his co-workers must wow their A-hole boss. Only the swarming, psychotic, merciless kids stand in their way.

From the hick towns of upstate New York to the rampant, muggy forests of the Hudson River Valley, Clint and company match wits with America's worst young minds. Watch as they scale the treetops, dodge flying poo and chase naked, howling teens through the forest. They wanted a resume builder. They got a marathon of madness. Will they go on to bigger, better lives, or work at camp forever? Can Clint escape the Ward of the Flies?

Useless Crap From Around the House: The Sullivan Family Garage Sale

Comedy writer Danno Sullivan has LOTS of useless crap--and now it's for sale!

This parody-style book of comedy and wordplay features very funny for-sale adverts and means you may finally be able to buy things like:

-Gluten-free gluten.

-Archaic measurements

-Boring speaker presentation kit

-Big Book of Presidential Knock-Knock Jokes

-Constant ongoing banging sound with echo

-Faulty palindrome

-Rare recording of Abraham Lincoln's voice

Over 200 useless items, complete with comic descriptions and fake prices.

For fans of funny wordplay in the vein of Benchley, Thurber, and Groucho Marx, or fans of classic comedy like the Goons, Monty Python, and Groucho Marx, this little book will likely be a huge disapointment, but it's mostly spelled and punctuated correctly, so at least there's that.

Scroll up now to click that big, friendly button and get your copy!

Hug (the Pug)

Hug (the Pug) tells the tale of a cute little pug who is on a quest for friendship, however, will his bladder problem prevent him from making friends?

A Pun in the Oven

More ridiculously funny - and ridiculous - rhymes from the Loonyverse inside Phil Maund's head. Discover how the formerly naked Emperor got his revenge, why Clara the Clairvoyant was so upset, revisit Eentsy Weentsy Spider, and see the truth revealed about Archimedes and his bath. These and more will have you in more stitches than his wife's embroidery machine.

Unbelievably Hysterical Books

I hope you like Part 2 of these chapters from 6 of my 12 books? A lot of people liked Part 1 so I decided to do another. Pick your favorites which are easy to purchase as paperback or e-books on my website link to Amazon. You can download them to any device. I assure you, you will enjoy the endings. www.excursionthemovie.com

BELIEVE IT OR NOT COLLECTION

This is a compilation of four stories, 'Sick Again', "Everyone Has a Name', 'Cross Your Fingers', and 'Lots and Lots'.

My stories are designed for both the reader and the listener. Children will request parents to re-read, over and over again, a story that has caught their imagination; if not in rhyme, these stories will quickly become dull and a burden to read.

When written in unrestricted rhyming prose, a story is both a delight to read and to hear. The reader feels accomplished when reading my stories and, in the act of storytelling, begins exaggerating tone, inflection, and mood.

While reading along, children quickly begin to retain portions of each story. Once the child begins reading independently, these stories can act as memory assisting templates. They guide the beginning reader through their first reading selections from www.readingtochildren.com. The reading successes of a child will fuel additional comprehension activities and help to jump start reading skills that greatly motivate the young reader.

For the adult reader these stories are always a treat. As a parent, I understand the necessity to include a reader's interests and needs as part of the story telling activities.

The length of these stories is designed to be between 10 to 15 minutes, to act as a short break or bedtime activity. Unlike Dr. Seuss, I have avoided making up new nouns and adjectives for purposes of rhyme, other than some tintinnabulation (words designed to give greater description of sounds), finding that teachers do not appreciate this activity.

I find that by identifying children by full name, as the story characters, it adds a sense of character reality and identity. The children accept the diversity of people, which, in turn, opens the imagination to accepting limitless fictional situations and opportunities.

With all stories, some illustrations are an expanding element and necessary for a clear understanding of the story. My stories constitute several conceptual elements to motivate reading and precipitate a positive reading development. I hope you enjoy reading them, as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Peter W. Collier

Max's Revenge: A wedding, a party and a plate of dog food stew: Volume 1 (The Max Books)

Max is out for revenge. In The Wedding, Max gets dumped from being the pageboy at his uncle's wedding. A five year old takes his place. Max isn't happy and he knows who is to blame. His evil aunt. Max wants revenge. Not just any revenge; but clever, satisfying revenge. Will he get his chance before the wedding is over? In Dog Food Stew, Max uncovers his aunt's evil plan to sell his nanna's house. But Max has a plan of his own. Will he stop his nanna's house from being sold and get revenge on his evil aunt? Revenge can be sweet, but it can also leave a funny taste. Book Categories: Adventure books for kids 9-12 Action books for kids 9-12 Series books for kids age 9-12 Children's adventure books age 9-12 Please scroll up and click the Look Inside feature on the top left hand side of the page.

The Kismet Kingpin

Down and out! When Harold desperately tries to change his fortunes, he unwittingly finds himself pulled into the dark underworld of Detroit's medical marijuana industry.

Quinceys Quirky Quiz Books Photo Dingbats Volume One: Photo Puzzles Volume 1

If you like to watch Catchphrase, then take a look at this book of Photo Dingbats that I have created.

These puzzles are known by various names such as Rebuses, Pictograms and Dingbats. They consist of a picture that represents a well known saying or word or phrase.

Keep your brain active with this volume of fifty puzzles.

Donkey Kong: The Funniest Donkey Kong Jokes & Memes (Nintendo Jokes)

Get Access To The Funniest Donkey Kong Jokes & Memes!

Today only, get this Amazon bestseller for just $2.99. Regularly priced

at $4.99. Read on your PC, Mac, smart phone, tablet or Kindle device.

You're about to discover the most hilarious Donkey Kong jokes & memes. This book is full of the funniest Donkey Kong jokes. Learn about one of Nintendo's most beloved characters and all the funny,silly, and hilarious jokes that go along with him!

Download your copy today!

Take action today and learn everything you've ever wanted to know about Donkey Kong jokes & memes! Download this book "Donkey Kong: The Funniest Donkey Kong Jokes & Memes" for a limited time discount of only $2.99!

Tags: Super Mario, Super Mario Bros, Super Mario Bros Books, Super Mario Bros Game, Pokemon, Pikachu, Super Mario Jokes, Nintendo, Luigi, Donkey Kong, Zelda, Yoshi, Wario, Peach

Sinister Inventions (For Smoother Living)

Innocence, the stupidest boy in the world, is convinced killer mosquitoes from the sun are coming to destroy Earth. So he sets out on a quest to persuade Liquorice, a reclusive inventor girl, to sew up the hole in the Ozone layer to keep them out. Together they must save the world! (If only Liquorice would take him seriously...)

It's got KitKat-addicted pheasants, it's got a space rocket, it's got mouldy orange juice, it's got a shady-eyed, evil boss... And yes, it's even got a curly-whiskered cat called Dame Bartholomew Crustacean!

Wisdom From the Web: Hilarious auto-complete suggestions from the world's most popular search engine

Introspective Iva, Dramatic Damien, Happy Hannah, Stressed Stewart, Ditzy Diana and others present over 200 of the search engine's funniest, most profound and most bizarre auto-complete suggestions, commenting on various aspects of life such as romance, work, hobbies etc.

The Submarine Full of Bees: A Bedtime Story For Kids Aged 5 to 10

A Bedtime Story With Added Buzz

This story is a little bit different from other stories. Usually stories are about other people but this story is about you. And usually stories are made up but this story is all true. It's about the amazing underwater adventure you had today with those bees.

I know what you're thinking: you're thinking: I didn't have an adventure with any bees today!

Oh yes you did! But you can't remember because that magic flower made you forget.

Let me explain ...

****************************

In this humorous and wildly imaginative read-aloud bedtime tale, the listener hears about a submarine expedition he/she embarked upon earlier that day to explore the uncharted depths of a muddy puddle. It's one of the thirty-one stories that make up the critically acclaimed collection A Month of Bedtime Stories, oh yes it is!

Reviews of A Month of Bedtime Stories:

A wonderful book well worth adding to any collection - Book Reviews and Giveaways

I loved each one and never once was ready to put the book down - Chodi Kid Books

Looney, wacky, imaginative and borderline crazy tales that McFarlane pens with absolute abandon - Grady Harp, Hall of Fame Top 100 Reviewer / Vine Voice

Grab a copy today

Cover Your Ass: Foolproof Excuses for Any Occasion

We all get into trouble. We are late. We got caught speeding. We didn't get our homework in on time. Now here is the book that gives you foolproof funny excuses for almost any situation.

Complete with illustrations and scenarios, Cover Your Ass gives you the foolproof excuses to cover your butt. Examples of chapters include:

o Why I Won't Have Sex With You

o Why I Can't Come to Work

o Why I Can't Go to the Gym

o Why I Sent You a Drunk Text

o Why I Went Off My Diet

Using the humorous excuses in this book can bail you out of difficult situations. So there is no excuse for failing to buy this book!

The author is the recipient of the Noble Prize in Literature, the recipient of the Pulitzer Prize, and a New York Times Bestselling author. Of course, none of that is remotely true, but he has a good excuse for making that up. Read the book for the answer!

Bedoggled (Country Misadventures Book 2)

"As before, the writing is colorful, evocative and humorous...." - Amazon reviewer mwalimu

*******************************************

Tracy Heath once again brings the quirky Oregon desert and its people to you with her feel-good, laugh-out-loud tales. In this second book of her Country Misadventures series, Tracy recounts numerous stories full of humor and poignancy.

Experience the face-palm moments of becoming a dog owner:

"Considering his klutzy habits and ill-mannered behavior, [Bowser's] knowledge of the indoors was limited. But his understanding of life in general was lacking, so we should have seen something coming."

Relive the days of T-ball where the hardest part of the game is keeping the helmet out of your eyes:

"We had a few players that could hit the ball off the tee onto the field and then run toward first base. Sometimes they forgot to turn left after reaching first and just kept galloping into the outfield, but it was a start."

And get ready for hard-core fishing, folks, because fishing's not for wimps:

"Dripping piteously, the fishers reached the foot of the trail and took a minute to gaze up the steep, switchbacked path, the shadows already growing long around them. Crying seemed a viable option...."

Enjoy these escapades and several other comical stories in Tracy's take on country life. Bedoggled is available solely for your entertainment!

(Formerly titled "A Proper Fish Story")

Click "Buy" to get your humor fix today!

Risking it All: The Rosewoods - A Short Story

Things are not going well for Brady Fleming, Rosewood equestrian coach and Olympic hopeful. Thanks to a careless fall off his horse, he is now on crutches - out of training and a job. Not to mention he's had to promise Brooklyn he'll back off so they could be just friends, which is the last thing he wants. The worst part is he knows she's into him too; she's as much as admitted it. And that kiss... There is no denying their chemistry after that kiss at the costume dance. But he can't date a student and he balked when she asked him if he was willing to risk it all to be with her. Now that his job and training are on hold, his outlook has changed and he's beginning to realize what really matters and what he wants from his life.

Maybe that girl who showed up on campus and turned his heart inside out is worth risking everything for after all.

Read Risking it All, a short story from Brady's perspective, in preparation for Making Ripples, The Rosewoods book 6.

Punny Wise Sounds Foolish

Yet another collection of zany verse from the Loonyverse that inhabits Phil Maund's head. Big Maroon Wheelchairinghodd finally makes it into print after many years in the making! Discover why the early bird is not always better off, how seductive a mongoose can be (not how you'd expect!), what happened when the wolf hated the sheep-suit, and how the modern-day round table led to one of the knights' demise. And lots more rib-ticklers to keep you amused.

They Win. You Lose.: Sex, Violence & Songs from the Shows (The Implosion Saga (Book 1))

They Win. You Lose. By Stan Arnold

Sex, Violence and Songs from the Shows.

They Win. You Lose. is the first book of The Implosion Saga. It's a very funny thriller. Mick and Jim are two incompetent, Soho-based, corporate video producers. They drink too much and don't earn enough.

So when the Mafia come calling, demanding back rent of ?6,000, they have ten minutes to do a runner. All they have is an old Morris Traveller (a Woodie, if you're in the US) and a tank full of petrol.

Their sudden flight takes them to the sex trade in Southsea, out-of-body experiences, horrendous amateur dramatics, Death Metal pubs, foul-mouthed, 80-year-old punk grannies and hit men dressed in pink Mexican outfits.

Under constant threat from enforcers, they get offered a mystery job in Las Vegas. When they arrive, six Reservoir Dogs' lookalikes are waiting for them. They make their escape using the world's most mercenary taxi driver.

During the next 24 hours, they chicken out a freight train, walk six moonlit miles across the desert with cactus-punctured groins, find out what badly manufactured LSD can do to you, avoid Thelma and Louise suicide-a-likes, have sex with Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper, make a commitment in front of a Bourbon-fuelled Elvis at Big Derek's Gay Marriage Emporium and blow up a Harley Davidson. The final showdown takes place with the mafia boss in the world's most unspeakably lurid theatrical environment. A very neat twist propels them from sudden death into a totally different way of life.

Or does it?

I fancied you until I saw you yawn

A collection of short, dark and spectacularly funny poetry that explores an alternative view of modern life. From using the cash machine, to sitting on the loo, "I fancied you until I saw you yawn" will take you on a journey you'll never forget. Brace yourself for the ride of your life!

A Beginners Guide to Criminality: how to be a successful villain

So you're thinking of converting to a life of crime; contemplating turning your back on society and normality for an alternative vocation; giving serious consideration to saying "t'hell with the laws of the land!" and "I'm going out to take what's not rightfully mine!"?

Who can blame you! In these times of high unemployment, low wages, austerity cuts, increased cost of living and social decay (not to mention a faltering judicial system) why wouldn't you consider a slightly unorthodox profession? After all, the latest games consoles, interactive TV's and new cars don't come cheap - not to mention booze and cigarettes!

Maybe you've tried the conventional Monday to Friday, nine to five existence and decided that lifestyle just isn't for you. Perhaps you've never worked a day in your life and criminality comes naturally to your clan and as such a life of crime is your destiny - upholding the proud family name.

Venturing down the criminal path is not a decision to be taken lightly though; there are many factors you must consider in advance if you want to make the most of your villainous plans. This short guide will provide all you need to know about crossing over to the dark side and setting off on your journey of self-discovery and debauchery as you pillage and plunder your way up the criminal ladder from petty thief, to powerful crime lord.

Charlie The Pissed Off Mutt

Charlie is a dog who suffers from anger issues. Trying to impress his owner, his number one goal in life is to become a house dog. Things are looking good until Jasper the stray dog shows up uninvited. Pissed off, Charlie has to come up with a plan to get rid of Jasper once and for all.

Part 2 is Available Now at This Link: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XO8OXTO

Hettford Witch Hunt: Series One

"With subtle humor and a charming regional voice, James Rhodes cleverly crafts a story of vengeance, mystery and witchcraft. Deftly weaving the ordinary and supernatural Rhodes leads readers along a path strewn with dreary workaday details offset by exciting glimpses of an otherworld that threatens to destroy the safety of the mundane."

-Kirsten Imani Kasai, Author: Ice Song, Tattoo, Del Rey Books

Gary Turlough is falling deeper into his post-graduate slump as each day goes by. He is in a dead-end job with no prospects and, following a slight indiscretion with a local goth, his girlfriend is one more mistake away from heading back to New Zealand. Life in the small village of Hettford would be tough enough without the spirits of two 18th Century witches plotting to kill his only two friends.

Milton and Dan are the real ale drinking hill-walkers of witch hunting: Nobody may believe them, nobody may reward them and they might not ever accomplish very much but nonetheless they remain devoted to their cause. With a slick sitcom format this novel is a must have for fans of paranormal comedy.

SERIES TWO: Available now!

Angry Granny (Angry Granny Adventures Book 1)

Hilarious adventures abound as Granny comes to live with her grandson and his parents. It is rarely an easy transition when aging parents and grandparents find they need to live with their children, and Angry Granny is no exception. But, on top of Granny's declining memory, she has lost her filter. So, be prepared because even though her grandson isn't used to hearing curse words Angry Granny is about to change that as she regularly let's the a-word fly. It's cute. It's funny. And, it's touching as the experience of having Angry Granny in the house will take you from laughing to saying "oh my" and right back to giggling again.

Rob Alex and Boegley Alex co-wrote Angry Granny, but it all started when Daddy (Rob) started telling Angry Granny bedtime stories to Boegley. The laughter and giggles that poured forth from the bedroom could be heard all the way downstairs. After a few weeks and a long list of Angry Granny adventures, this father-son duo decided to share their knee slapping and sometimes shocking stories with the world. Get ready because these two will take you on quite a journey alongside Angry Granny, and they just may share more of Granny's adventures as time goes by.

Taking Off

A few years after graduating college, Ty was fed up with "working" and "acting responsibly like every other adult is expected to," and chose instead to quit his job and backpack across Europe and Asia. Taking Off is the mostly true memoir of his trip.

Yes, this may come as a shock, but a twenty-something wrote about his experiences travelling. Kind of like when Ashley from HR sent you the link to her vacation blog. The differences being that this book is longer, has less pictures of Ashley in a bikini, and gives you no real obligation to read it since you'll never bump into Ty in the break room where he'll ask you how you liked it. But regardless of obligation, you can still appreciate this book, as it consists of several humorous, interesting, and worthwhile anecdotes that are way more interesting than anything that self-absorbed narcissist Ashley could ever write.

This book is completely, 100% free. So if you're interested, give it a read. If you like it, tell a friend about how good it was. If you don't like it, lie to an enemy about how good it was. Either way, make sure to flaunt the book's completion to someone. You're literate for God's sake, and the contemptible people with whom you surround yourself need to be made aware of your superiority.

Friends With Partial Benefits (Friends With... Benefits Series (Book 1))

Filled with passion, longing, surprises and humor, Friends With Partial Benefits, the first novel in the four-book series, is hard to put down and will leave you laughing out loud and slightly sleep deprived. Jillian Grayson is a disillusioned divorcee and best-selling romance novelist who suddenly can't write a chapter without her hunky male heartthrob suffering ED, an STD, or even worse. Brian Nash is a tennis-obsessed college senior who's unlucky in love and the roommate and best friend of Jillian's son, Rob. When Rob brings Brian home for Spring Break, and Brian meets the surprisingly young and tennis passionate Jillian, their shared interest quickly develops into an intense mutual attraction. After nearly giving in to their feelings, they hatch a plan, while under the influence (of something more than just the perfect Miami night), to be Friends With Partial Benefits, complete with rules to define the boundaries. Will the lonely pair continue with this distinctive relationship, actually explore their desires, or discover all of it is a really bad idea?"

150 Knock! Knock! Jokes

150 hilarious knock knock jokes to keep the kids amused, with lots of charming illustrations.

Suburban Luchador: Tales From the Burb Side

Who is the Suburban Luchador? He's the everyday, luchador mask-wearing, suburban family man who's anything but common. In Suburban Luchador: Tales from the Burb Side, author Philip Rivera turns his ordinary family, marriage and teaching scenarios into offbeat and humorous slice of life stories.

Whether he's commenting on the Dollar Store's newfound item of the month: rib eye steak, describing a bath time mishap involving rogue poop and a rhinoceros, or reliving an innocent video game challenge with his wife which resulted in PTSD-like symptoms, he's as skilled at painting vivid "everyman's life" scenes as he is at being an overzealous neighborhood vigilante.

For every suburban, urban, village or hamlet underdog out there wondering, "Does anyone else imagine these things?" - this is a whimsical and humorous look at common experiences we can all relate to. Who is the Suburban Luchador, you ask? He is all of us. And these are our tales of glory!

500 Ultimate Memes: the Funniest Memes of the Internet

Pssst, hey you... Yes, you! Do you like memes? Come here...

What if you could get the funniest memes book in just a few seconds?

What if these 500+ hilarious memes can make your day much better?

SO HERE YOU HAVE ONE OF THE LARGEST AND GREATEST MEME BOOKS ON THE INTERNET SO FAR

It includes memes of high definition and humor of the top quality.

And, by the way, you may download this Memes book for FREE using Kindle Unlimited

This book contains 500+ awesome memes with amazing and relevant jokes.

The memes are well structured and you will find 5 categories inside, including:

100 Art Memes

100 Memes about Kids

100 Cat Memes

100 Dog Memes

100 Various Premium Memes

Also you will find a link to a FREE BONUS inside this book!

It's a FREE HUMOR LIBRARY from my brother Donald Shaw, one of the most popular humor authors out there today!

If this book seems to be expensive, this is due to its large size. Amazon won't allow it cheap because of the huge images. In fact, I encourage you to download this bundle of memes FREE via Kindle Unlimited. Just forget the price and get it free now!

If you do not have Kindle Unlimited, and cannot get a free version, you may purchase it. Then if you feel this book is not worth its price, you may easily refund the book. It's just that easy!

ATTENTION: This book includes bad words and rude humor, so it is not for kids. It is for adults only. Have fun and get ready to the high-quality humor!

If you are ready for a good laugh, pranks, and riddles, it's time to get, perhaps, the best memes book ever!

Do Not Wait Another Minute - Download Your Copy Right Away!

Simply scroll up the page and hit the "Add to Cart" button!

How to Avoid a Job in IT

Have you ever secretly considered getting a job programming computers? While it's nothing to be ashamed of, and many people go through this phase, these unhealthy thoughts should be stamped on before they develop into a full blown job application.

This is an insider's view of this mysterious world, and explains in simple terms how a career in I.T. will lead to a lifetime of regret, misery, obesity, rickets, social alienation, nervous tics, Beriberi, sexual frustration, and terminal haemorrhoids.

Every page is packed with useless information that could save you from a fate worse than death, such as:

oWhy your brain will seize from Repetitive Boredom Injury

oHow you'll drown in a vat of nauseating jargon

oWhy you'll forget how to paint, write, sing, speak or laugh

oThe dull, humourless, sexless clones you'll be working with

oWhy you'll become even more of a social outcast

oHow long before you'll throw your boss out of the sixth floor window

oWhy you won't have a job in three years' time

And these are just the good points. Can you afford NOT to read this startling expose of this odious and despicable choice of profession?

Ignore at your peril!

(Also by Pierre Shentag: How to Avoid EVERYTHING)

Can Your "Most Embarrassing Moment" TOP This?: A Truly, True--Sad, Butt Funny Story

Have you ever been somewhere and suddenly you're hit with--"I gotta go!" Uh-h..."I REALLY gotta go...NOW!" And..yikes!..there's no place to go! My wife's first reaction to reading this story was, "There's no way you're putting this in print! At least for the sake of the family, you must NOT use your real name!" "Ok...ok...I promised!" To the dismay of my kids, the story has been a well-known favorite at family gatherings for decades.

One reviewer wrote: "Your book needs a warning label," so here it is: *** WARNING *** Graphic Embarrassment! (I still chuckle over that review.)

What others have said:

"While reading Vic Latrine's story about his embarrassing moments, I laughed right out loud and kept laughing for about an hour afterward. The author is a master storyteller who knows how to build a captivating story that keeps escalating. When you think the embarrassment can't get any worse, it does. Although the story is potty humor, it is not risque in any way." --D. in OH

"I can so relate to this story...but only to a small degree. Vic can tell a whopper of a story. I laughed so hard while I read this that I started tooting and hooting so loud my wife thought I was crying. Vic, keep them coming!" --D.Y.

"I've had my fair share of embarrassments but none quite so severe. This story is hilarious and was well worth the dollar I spent. My day has been made!" --J.H.

There are cheap books for adults that can deliver a few belly laughs, and there are true stories of real life experiences that are downright awkward, butt in the end, this little book fits more into the category of poop books for adults. I know that doesn't make it best selling non fiction or even best selling true stories, but I think one thing is certain--this short little read will be, well...memorable, and you'll probably be glad you don't have an embarrassing moment that tops this! Remember though, if you don't find bathroom humor funny, then...don't read this book! Otherwise, enjoy the read. --Vic Latrine (Not my real name for the sake of my wife and kids!)

Who Dunnit? (and other tales)

** NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN! **

Three ludicrous, uproarious tales guaranteed to make you gurn, yodel and froth at the ears, or your money back.

Who Dunnit?

Detective Inspector Harris has a hard time identifying the killer of a mysterious house guest, murdered in a most bizarre way. Everyone from the condescending butler to the host's naive, sexy young daughter is a prime suspect, and the conclusions Harris draws from each clue are dubious to say the least. But can you identify the culprit before he does?

The Truth Fog

Graham's on his way to an important interview, but will it go according to plan, given that an experimental truth-inducing gas has escaped from a nearby lab?

Crap Day at Shit Creek

When trigger-happy Nathan 'Black Ball' Carillo arrives at Shit Creek, life is turned on its head. Appointing himself Sheriff, the population are either shot, hanged or jailed. But how will the townsfolk react when they discover Carillo has not one, but 237 dark secrets in his past? And for all his bravado, can he stand his ground when the Belch Gulch Boys hit town demanding two dollars fiddy?

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING

"I thought my last book was the worst ever written, but I've moved the goalposts with this one."

Isaac Ummin, The Author

"Never heard of it."

Richard Head, New York Times

"While reading this on the tube, I was so shocked that my knickers blew off."

Mavis Prudely, London Gazette for the Frigid

"Well I disagree with the previous reviewer, my knickers stayed on from beginning to end. And I laughed out loud all the way through, even though I'm a fictitious person!"

Chris P Duck, Freelance Restroom Hygiene Executive

Also by Isaac Ummin:

Harry Pobbit and the Fifty Shades of Zombie Vampire Werewolf Trekkie Alien Eastend Hunger Twilight Life of Bi.

picture book: I love you (Values book): funny picture book to read again and again

I wrote this book to talk about love.

Love of an innocent child who wants to receive love from those around him. He loves everyone and everyone loves him, at least that's what he thinks ...

An XXX-Mas Story: Ralphie Finally Gets Laid (Erotic Parodies Book 10)

All 19-year old Ralphie wants for X-Mas is to have sex with a voluptuous hooker. But his bitch-ass mother won't get him one because he'll "shoot his eye out". Whenever Ralphie asks her what the hell she's talking about, his mom responds by beating his ass with a belt and forcing him to eat a bar of soap. Ralphie finally decides to take matters into his own hands and goes to the mall to ask Santa to put a hooker under his Christmas tree. But all Santa does is kick him down the slide. Will Ralphie ever get the chance to acquire 'carnal knowledge' of a sex worker? You'll have to read this perverted parody of a holiday classic to find out!

Christmas Eve in Bangkok

This is a long short story that might also be staged as a one or two act play. It is set in a suite at the prestigious Peninsula Hotel in Bangkok along the banks of the Chao Phraya River. The story concerns several characters who have volunteered to field phone calls from ex-pats suffering from the holiday doldrums. The callers are away from home and missing their friends and family during the festive Christmas season. Varying degrees of loneliness and depression afflict them. The theater masks on the cover are meant to suggest the elements of both comedy and tragedy at play in the story. As usual, McFinn has created a host of interesting characters and a repertoire of scintillating dialogue.

The Very Angry Caterwauler

WARNING: Not for the thin-skinned or politically correct.



Riffing off of Eric Carle's beloved children's book classic, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, D Trumple Thinskin's latest illustrated master-pastiche, The Very Angry Caterwauler, brutally shanghais us on a forced revisitation of the helium-filled rise of the Golden Buffoon, the Cheddar-toned Baboon, the Orange Goon, from his immodest beginnings in a Queen's townhouse, through an audacious candidacy, and finally to an inexplicable election to the throne of the United States Presidency. Released on the eve of his 200th day in office, The Very Angry Caterwauler is proving to be more biographically accurate than the main stream media.

Also be sure to look for Thinskin's first title, Goodnight Moron, a bedtime nightmare - er, story - about Drumph's worst hundred daze - sorry, first hundred days - in office.

Yo Momma Jokes!: The Best Yo Mama Jokes Ever Written!

You've found it. This is the motherload of all Yo Mama jokes that have ever been told. We've packed over 300 jokes from different categories into a single collection that is sure to have your side splitting and tears rolling. You'll get the best jokes hand selected from the following categories:

1. Yo Mama's So FAT...

2. Yo Mama's So UGLY...

3. Yo Mama's So STUPID...

4. Yo Mama's So POOR...

5. Yo Mama's So OLD...

6. Yo Mama's So LAZY...

7. Yo Mama's So NASTY...

8. Yo Mama's So SHORT...

9. Yo Mama's So GHETTO...

The Sundial part 4, The Witch in the attic. (The Sundial series)

Life in the Autumn term settles down for the children however it is not without incident. As Halloween approaches the school becomes alive with roomers of a terrifying witch who lives in the attic above them, leaving the boys wondering if they will get out of the season alive.

Bigly: Truth, Meaning, And Direction In The Age Of Trump

A series of occasionally humorous, occasionally thoughtful essays that span from the beginning of Donald Trumps's presidential run to the present. Rather unique takes on what made Donald Trump successful, what it tells us about ourselves, and where we go from here. WARNING: Those from either side of the political spectrum who are locked into their limited narratives would do well do avoid this book as it might cause you to experience unpleasant emotions resulting from cognitive dissonance.

The Sundial, part 3 Harvest Festival.: Harvest Festival.

As the new Autumn term moves on, its soon time for the children to celebrate harvest festival which they do with enthusiastic aplomb. However, a gulf exists in the professionalism with which the girls and boys contribute to this natural festival, leading to some unexpected and startling results ....

How to Become Famous

A funny pictorial guide on obtaining fame.

For entertainment purposes only.

Incredibly Funny Chapters

I hope you liked Part 2 of these chapters from 6 of my 12 books? A lot of people loved Part 1 so I decided to do another. Pick your favorites which are easy to purchase as paperback or e-books on my website link to Amazon. You can download them to any device. I assure you, you will enjoy the endings. www.excursionthemovie.com

The Tale of St. Picklas

You are familiar with the Night Before Christmas, and other tales of Santa Claus, Sinter Klass, St. Nicholas and Papa Noel but do you know the tale of the mysterious man that hangs the Christmas Pickle on your Christmas Tree? This holiday Tale is an original twist on what happens on the night before Christmas. The colorful illustrations pull you into magical realm of St. Picklas. Uniquely bound on the top, so that you can hang your favorite scene as part of your Christmas decor. Make St. Picklas part of your traditional Christmas canon!

Wario: The Funniest Wario Jokes & Memes (Nintendo Jokes)

Get Access To The Funniest Wario Jokes & Memes!

Today only, get this Amazon bestseller for just $2.99. Regularly priced

at $4.99. Read on your PC, Mac, smart phone, tablet or Kindle device.

You're about to discover the most hilarious Wario jokes & memes. This book is full of the funniest Wario jokes. Learn about one of Nintendo's most beloved characters and all the funny,silly, and hilarious jokes that go along with him!

Download your copy today!

Take action today and learn everything you've ever wanted to know about Wario jokes & memes! Download this book "Wario: The Funniest Wario Jokes & Memes" for a limited time discount of only $2.99!

Tags: Super Mario, Super Mario Bros, Super Mario Bros Books, Super Mario Bros Game, Pokemon, Pikachu, Super Mario Jokes, Nintendo, Luigi, Donkey Kong, Zelda, Yoshi, Wario, Peach, Pokemon Jokes

Artichokes In My Pants and other short stories

A collection of stories written by a new dad, named "Duck", of two young children who he calls "Ducklings". The stories were originally written on a community website, now compiled here for your enjoyment (or annoyance).

Best Children's Animal Picture Book (1)

Every page is crafted to give the reader new types of animal fun! Each picture is carefully selected to wet the appetite for more funny pictures to give the eyes treasures to feast on. Each picture draws you on to more funny animals and the problems, that they can get into!

Your child will delite in wanting just one more look with the parent. Enjoy the fun together of sharing

each new picture to give fun and delight. Enjoy the giggles together!

Random Thoughts

I thought about creating a Go Fund Me page. But I then decided to write a short humorous essay in an attempt to raise money. I want to raise enough money to purchase a large 24 oz. jar of house brand pickles at Shop 'n Save. Although this article sells for 99 cents, I only receive 35 cents for each copy sold. Amazon retains the rest. To purchase a large jar of pickles, I need to sell nine copies. That would include the purchase prices plus sales tax. Won't you help me buy my jar of pickles.

Secret Lives of Turtles and Tortoises

Do turtles and tortoises have their own personalities and individual preferences? Could a turtle plot revenge days after one of her favorite berries has been stolen? Can a tortoise count the number of favorite fruits he is given? And demand more when given less than the usual number?

Focused mainly on Sonoran Desert creatures, Secret Lives of Turtles and Tortoises contains many artful photographs and anecdotes which reveal countless remarkable details of the hidden inner world of these animals. The stereotype of turtles and tortoises as slow, boring and uninteresting animals has camouflaged the amazing lives these creatures actually live.

This fascinating, groundbreaking book is perfect for anyone who finds animals intriguing and likes to laugh. The author has provided many exceptional photographs of these delightfully entertaining creatures, along with links to a several videos. While numerous images are artistic, a few serve to illustrate a particular aspect of a story revealed in the text. All of them offer us a surprising window onto the intriguing lives of turtles and tortoises.

Excerpt from Secret Lives of Turtles and Tortoises:

RELUCTANTLY SEEKING INDEPENDENCE

Shortly after Niki and Georgia began living separately, they had a conflict regarding Georgia's face peeking out from under their adjoining wall. When Georgia moved into her new area beside Niki, she started digging, as turtles normally do, in the corner of her living space. Conveniently for Georgia, the corner she chose took her under the wall she shared with Niki. She carved out a spot just large enough for her head to fit under the divider, allowing her hours of entertainment spent spying on Niki. Interestingly, her turtle-mom didn't notice this at first. Apparently, Niki was enjoying her solitude away from her pesky youngster. For several days Georgia's head appeared frequently below the wall; she was watching Niki's every move. Then one day I felt obligated to show Niki her youngster's surreptitious surveillance, so I pointed to Georgia's face below the wall. Niki became noticeably agitated and walked over to try to get the little spy to remove her head from beneath the wall...

The Magic Money Tree

Drowning Kittens for Fun & Profit: 100 of the Worst Money Making Ideas

Man has theorised that if you put a hundred monkeys in a room with typewriters, they will eventually by law of averages write the works of Shakespeare. This book was created in much the same way. Ada Dickey and Kevin Crew have worked some pretty crummy jobs in their respective histories, and as such are always on the lookout for the next brilliant get-rich-quick schemes. In this book, they share with you some of their latest ideas for making money where others fear to tread. From the delights of Canned Vomit to the horrors of Animal Slippers, via the craziness of such jobs as Sleeping Bag Buddy or Farm Fluffer, here is the definitive list of occupations you never knew you needed! Both equal parts offensive and informative, within days of buying this book you could be making a fortune tapping an unrecognised financial market! Alternatively, you might be under arrest. Either way. you've paid for this book so the authors don't really care. Good Luck!

The Ultimate Knock Knock Jokes: Funny Knock Knock Jokes for Kids (Funny Jokes for Kids)

Funny Knock Knock Jokes for Kids!Joke telling is very fun and can bring a smile to the face of others. Kids love jokes! Jokes can aid in story-telling, create laughs, and help with conversation and social skills. Your child will love this hilarious joke book full of clean knock knock jokes for children.150+ funny knock knock jokes!Excellent for early and beginning readersHours of fun and entertainment for your childGreat for long trips, waiting rooms, and reading aloudFunny and hilarious knock knock jokes for kidsKids and children can practice their reading and joke telling skills with this funny knock knock joke book. Beginning and early readers can enjoy hours of fun and entertainment.This book is especially great for traveling, waiting rooms, and reading aloud at home.Jokes from this funny book...Knock knock!Who's there?Cheese!Cheese who?Cheese a cute girl!HAHA!Knock knock!Who's there?Abbey!Abbey who?Abbey stung me on the nose!LOL!Knock knock!Who's there?Dewey!Dewey who?Dewey have to keep doing this?HAHA!Knock knock!Who's there?Moo!Moo who?Are you a cow or an owl?Funny Knock Knock Jokes for Kids! (Clean Jokes for Children)This funny joke book is full of funny knock knock jokes that will have you laughing for hours! This is one of the best joke collections in the world. These knock knock will make you and your friends giggle. These funny jokes are excellent for kids, children, teens, and adults. Early and beginner readers can practice reading aloud and learning.Best-Selling Joke Book Author, Johnny B. LaughingThe Joke King, Johnny B. Laughing is a best-selling children's joke book author. He is a jokester at heart and enjoys a good laugh, pulling pranks on his friends, and telling funny and hilarious jokes! He has a wide variety of published joke books and a very successful joke website.Scroll up and click 'buy' to get the laughter recipe today!Tags: knock knock, knock knock jokes for kids, funny knock knock jokes for kids, funny joke, funny jokes, lol, jokes, foo

Bearded

Miist: A Finders Fantasy Adventure: Volume 1 (The Bone Grit Historeum)

Root's Bone Grit blood can Find anything that's gone missing, be it luck teeth or the Siren of Shade Howl. But, thanks to an aged curse, it's a skill that usually ends in a beating. Thus, Root survives through the underground Jobbery and prays the Guardian won't send a raid or worse, another noose mob. When the Guardian suddenly needs Root's Bone Grit blood to Find for him, she is incredulous. His false flattery is insulting enough but his Lost is worse. It feels disturbingly connected to darker Losts. Like secrets. And missing bodies. Root decides it's time to reach for freedom, far from the curse that has tailed her for too long. But, to her horror she realizes that, in this land of dark secrets and intrigue she has somehow become its most valuable pawn. And neither the Guardian nor the blood are willing to let her go. " 'This young heroine is bold and bright! The journey before her is full of thrilling twists, dark dips and humour reminiscent of Dahl and Rowling. Written with breathless imagination and craft, Miist is sure to fill a lot of fantasy shelves!' " Teen Pulp

Tango Boat Dancers

From the earliest of times, leaders encouraged groups of people to accomplish difficult tasks. Issues associated with maintaining high levels of morale were critical to the success of the tasks at hand. During the 1930's, an Admiral seeks advice from a psychologist in regard to maintaining high levels of morale among sailors serving long tours at sea. A male and two female naval officers lead a team in a clinical trial to determine the effectiveness of a doctor's recommended cures to raise morale and cure homesickness.

Frosted Sweets: Volume 1 (A Taste of Love)

A.M. Willard brings you a romantic comedy with a touch of contemporary romance and a dash of chick lit, which takes you on a journey of friendship. Frosted Sweets is the first installment of A Taste of Love Series in which we follow the lives of Morgan and Jayden, who are discovering life is anything but what it seems. Morgan Lewis, the owner of The Polka Dot Cafe & Bakery, is about to wed the man she's spent the last four years building a life with. What she doesn't know is, that's all about to change. Can her life move past a wedding disaster? Can her crazy friends help her pick up the pieces? And what's in store for this sweet baker? Along with a booming business, the Christmas holiday rush, and her friends, Morgan is really sent into a spin when Jayden Rivers moves to town. Jayden's focus is on his career in production, but what he wasn't expecting was to be knocked off his feet by a woman in the park. Sparks fly, but he's not sure if she's truly available or taken. With a severe sweet tooth and an addiction to Morgan Lewis's treats, he can't seem to stay away. Will it turn into sugar and spice? Or a friendship over some frosted treats?"

Happiness

Old Friends, Epistolary Parody

This book (hardcover) is part of the TREDITION CLASSICS. It contains classical literature works from over two thousand years. Most of these titles have been out of print and off the bookstore shelves for decades. The book series is intended to preserve the cultural legacy and to promote the timeless works of classical literature. Readers of a TREDITION CLASSICS book support the mission to save many of the amazing works of world literature from oblivion. With this series, tredition intends to make thousands of international literature classics available in printed format again - worldwide.

Food-Free at Last: How I Learned to Eat Air

Get the Monkey Off Your Back! Food is a drug. Break the shackles of addiction and learn to eat air! In this detailed guide, Dr. Robert Jones, MD, PhD, DDS, ODD gives you the practical, step-by-step advice you need to transition to the air-only diet.



Common Questions About the Air-Only Diet:



Q: Eating air? Are you crazy?



A: I am a medical doctor with more than forty years of clinical experience. An Obesity Epidemic is sweeping across our great nation. Eating air is the answer.



Q: Isn't there a risk of malnutrition?



A: Not at all! Air contains all the vitamins, minerals, electrolytes and essential amino acids your body needs.



Q: A friend of mine went on the air-only diet and starved to death. Will I die too?



A: Lies, lies and more lies! Propaganda spread by the agro-business special interests that run Washington. They will do anything to keep you down, in ignorance of the truth!



A Million Dieters Can't be Wrong!



Every day the emails pour in:



"Thank you, Dr. Robert Jones, MD, PhD, DDS, ODD! Oh, thank you! I've eaten nothing but air for the last two months and I've lost eight hundred pounds! My husband says I'll make a fine skeleton! I can't wait!!!"



"Damn this air is tasty."



"Dear Dr. Jones, What a discovery! You make Einstein look like an ignoramus. We hereby award you the Prizes for Medicine, Chemistry and Peace." - the Nobel Committee



Also in This Groundbreaking Diet Book:







Lunge and Chomp - Learn the Secrets of Air-Eating Technique!

The Twelve Steps to Food Freedom - Anyone Can Do It!

The Hidden Menace in Our Society That Can Prevent You From Eating Air - and How We as a Nation Can Overcome It!





About the Author



An acclaimed pioneer in the field of Airitarianism, Dr. Robert Jones, MD, PhD, DDS, ODD has dedicated his life to freeing food-eaters from slavery to addictive caloric substances. That's why he wrote Food-Free at Lastto expose the truth the agro-business special interests don't want you to know. And that's why he's running for President in 2013. It's time to put this country on a diet - the air-only diet, the only diet proven to work. It's time to cure our great nation of the Obesity Epidemic sweeping from coast to coast. It's time to end the oligarchy's influence on our political process and bring true freedom back to America. Go the Power of Air!

I'm Not Talking about You, of Course: Quirky Essays for Quirky People, Book 1

Winner of the "Indie Book of the Day" award for June 7, 2014.

This work is a collection of humorous insights into important topics ranging from annoying pet people ("I'm Not Talking About You, of Course"), to analyzing your inner child ("Irrational Fears"), to living like the Amish in the aftermath of a hurricane ("A Jolt of Electricity"). Other essays examine just how much damage can be caused by a sneeze ("It All Started with a Loud Sneeze"), why it is so complicated to buy a tube of toothpaste ("Ask Me No Questions"), how not to prepare dinner ("Martha, I Let You Down"), making new friends ("Friends in Low Places"), how a parent's obsessive hobbies can become an inescapable vortex ("Crazy Hobbies"), and why spending the night in a sleep clinic is like being abducted by probing aliens ("Nightmare at the Sleep Clinic"). If you don't see yourself in each of these entertaining essays, then I'm not talking about you, of course.

P is for Prison: The ABC Book (Uncle Johnny's Book Club 1)

P is for Prison is a refreshing take on the typical ABC Book.

Today only, get this Amazon bestseller for just $0.99. Regularly priced

at $2.99. Read on your PC, Mac, smart phone, tablet or Kindle device.

You're child is about to discover what life is like on the inside!

This book was inspired and written to educate parents along with their children.

Here Is A Preview Of What You'll Learn...

I is for INKS is for SHOWERA is for ATTORNEY

li>Much, much more!

Download your copy today!

Buy this book and give the kids in your life a street smart education, only $0.99!

The Apocalypse Now: A Book of Revelations

I am a ghost writer.

In life, I was a "radical lesbian feminist," I am--and always will be--a practicing Catholic.

In 1999, I left Tammany College after a male student dressed as a woman threatened suit when I denied "her" a place in my class on Feminist Ethics. I had long limited enrollment in my Advanced Women's Studies classes to birthed women only, maintaining that the presence of men there would inhibit frank discussion.

You know how I feel about men who attempt to become women without having the experience of growing up and suffering as women all their lives.

You know my credentials: Before obtaining my two doctorates in Sacred Theology and Existential Phenomenology from Olinger University, I received my B.A. with honors in English from Our Lady of the Flowers Seminary, my M.A. in Philosophy from The Papal College of Saints in Rome, and a D.Litt. in Renaissance Literature [in the first column] from Hudson University.

I taught classes at Olinger University from 1967 to 1999 including classes in feminist theology, feminist ethics, and deplorable patriarchy.

I am best known for my second non-fiction book, Beyond the Heavenly Father (1977). Beyond the Heavenly Father is the last book in which I really considered God a substantive, male subject. It is my attempt to explain and overcome misogyny in Western religion. It attempts to rehabilitate "God-talk" for the Women's Liberation Movement by critically building on the writing of existentialist theologians such as Simone de Beauvoir.

In Meditations on Radical Feminism (1988), I showed how men throughout history have used, abused, oppressed, brutalized, vandalized, humiliated, tortured, raped, enslaved, beaten, castrated, murdered, stoned, mutilated, and beheaded women. I moved beyond my previous thoughts on the history of patriarchy to focus on the actual practices that, in my view, perpetuate patriarchy, which I consider a horrific, disorganized religion.

The Apocalypse Now is consistent with the theology I developed throughout my career. It is comprehensive, yet concise.

In The Apocalypse Now, I reveal through my ghost writing a dramatically new vision of your life.

Open Access Policy

You are free to share, copy, or redistribute the materials in this text in any medium or format. You are free to adapt, reuse, modify, transform, or build upon the materials in this text for any purpose whatsoever.

Amazing Tales Pilfered from the All-Time Great Sci-Fi Writers: A Book of Revelations

I am a ghost writer.

I died in Los Angeles, California, on June 5, 2012, at the age of 91 after a lengthy illness. My personal library was willed to the Waukegan Public Library where I had many of my formative reading experiences.

Although slowed in recent years by a stroke that meant I had to use a wheelchair, I remained active into my 90s, turning out new novels, plays, screenplays, and a volume of poetry. I wrote every day in the basement office of my Cheviot Hills home and appeared from time to time at bookstores, public library fundraisers, and other literary events around Los Angeles.

Although I was also known for a few novels - principally the science-fiction book-burning dystopia Fahrenheit 451 and the dark fantasy Something Wicked This Way Comes - as well as for children's books, plays, screenplays, and poetry, it was for my short stories that I gained my widest fame with my best-known collection being The Martian Chronicles.

At the time of my death Arthur C. Clarke wrote:

"For many Americans, the news of his death immediately brought to mind images from his work, imprinted in our minds, often from a young age. His gift for storytelling reshaped our culture and expanded our world. But he also understood that our imaginations could be used as a tool for better understanding, a vehicle for change, and an expression of our most cherished values. There is no doubt that he will continue to inspire many more generations with his writing, and our thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends."

I transformed my childhood dreams and Cold War fears into telepathic Martians, lovesick sea monsters, and, in uncanny detail, the high-tech, book-burning future of Fahrenheit 451. Nightmares that plagued me as a boy also stocked my imagination as did my youthful delight with the Buck Rogers and Tarzan comic strips, early horror films, Tom Swift adventure books, and the works of Jules Verne and H.G. Wells.

The Martian Chronicles prophesied the banning of books, especially works of fantasy, a theme I would take on fully in Fahrenheit 451. Inspired by the Cold War, the rise of television and my passion for libraries, Fahrenheit 451 was an apocalyptic narrative of nuclear war abroad and empty pleasure at home with firefighters assigned to burn books instead of putting blazes out. I had been told that 451 degrees Fahrenheit was the temperature at which books went up in flames.

My literary style was honed in pulp magazines and influenced by Ernest Hemingway and Thomas Wolfe; and I became the rare science fiction writer treated seriously by the literary world.

Everything I'd done was a surprise, a wonderful surprise. I sometimes got up at night when I couldn't sleep and walked down to my library opening one of my books and reading a paragraph saying: "My God, did I write that? Did I write that?"

I wrote three great novels and three hundred great stories. One of the latter was called "A Sound of Thunder." The sound I hear today is the thunder of footsteps getting stronger here in Heaven. My novels and stories shine in all their resonance and strange beauty.

Open Access Policy

You are free to share, copy, or redistribute the materials in this text in any medium or format. You are free to adapt, reuse, modify, transform, or build upon the materials in this text for any purpose whatsoever.

Golf Tips from the All-Time Great Ball Strikers: A Book of Revelations

I am a ghost writer.

I died of pneumonia in Bedford, Massachusetts at the age of eighty-eight.

As a young man, I was a phenomenal golfer playing at the highest levels of amateur competition. I had a big, modern swing, but I always cut a traditionalist's figure. My self-effacing, uncomplaining manner, my chesty stride, my clothes, even my tripartite name seemed a thing of the pastoral, perhaps English, past. Tweed, of course, was my preferred fabric. I once showed up on a course in all-tweed, including tweed knickers and a tweed cap. It was the middle of July.

I described the game with an avant-garde style that has since been imitated, but never duplicated.

Subjects I covered as a professional columnist included tennis, writers, politicians, and social figures. I was the ghostwriter of several books, mostly about golf.

I was just crazy about golf; I was a great historian of the game and--if I do say so myself-- a terrific writer. I wrote longhand and in pencil. In Heaven we use only Macs. It took me a long time to learn how to type. So now I dictate.

I was acute on the complexities of the game and on the characters of the players. I was, in spirit, prelapsarian--uninterested in the issues of money, endorsements, or scandal of any kind. If I had a hero in golf, and even in life, it was certainly Bobby Jones, who won thirteen major championships as an amateur between 1923 and 1930 and then went on to help design the ne plus ultra of American golf courses: Augusta National, the site of the Masters. Jones was an educated athlete, a lawyer, a writer, and a reader; and we quickly became friends talking about books and the intricacies of golf. I learned a great deal from Bobby. About three days before Bobby's death, when I knew he was dying, I said to the members of his family: 'If this is all there is to it, it sure is peaceful."

Well, Hell's bells! It's far from peaceful in Heaven! Actually, Heaven is much like Earth: greed, corruption, sexual abuse, humiliation, hypocrisy, scams, and plenty of violence. Except you can do just about anything you want here--within the Heavenly guidelines. I decided to write my own book of golf instruction.

During my coverage of the 1958 Masters, I was searching for an appropriate name for that far corner of the course where the critical action takes place -- some colorful tag like those that Grantland Rice and his contemporaries loved to devise: the Four Horsemen, the Manassa Mauler, the House that Ruth Built, the Georgia Peach, and so on. A lover of jazz, I recalled an old tune entitled "Shouting in the Amen Corner."

Now that I am in Heaven, I have been assured by The Great Greenskeeper that my writing, like the greatest game ever played, will live forever.

Open Access Policy

You are free to share, copy, or redistribute the materials in this text in any medium or format. You are free to adapt, reuse, modify, transform, or build upon the materials in this text for any purpose whatsoever.

The Lazy Entrepreneurs Guide To Explosive Growth

Are you an entrepreneur that is looking to grow?

But don't want to have to do all the work and all the little details to get it done?

Are you the entrepreneur that wants to sit back and collect the money without touching the work?

Are you an entrepreneur that wants to scale your business to several digits a month? Using a proven system, with a proven track record?

Are you an entrepreneur that wants all the credit for success while turning away from the failures?

If this is you, then this book was written just for you.

The entrepreneur that wants success and success only.

The entrepreneur that wants the easy way out without all the nonsense.

The entrepreneur that was born to be royalty, but spends their time running a business instead.

eksibutesu

eksibutesu

English-German Bilingual: DIRTY.SHORTY. FUNNY.SEXY. WITTY. ONE LINER JOKES: Short Read. Parallel Text. One liner jokes to exercise oral sex at home and at work.

This book offers the students of German at all levels the opportunity to enjoy a wide range of short, sexy, one liner jokes without having constantly to refer back to a dictionary. This is actually fun learning!

The witty lines are here. The best one liners to show off in public and in private:

. Dirty jokes

. Sexy jokes

. Witticisms

. Funny quotes

. Riddles

. Wisecracks

. Feminist jokes

. Love jokes

. Sexist jokes.

. Bad jokes

. Funny proverbs



All the one liners are related to sex, women and love relationships. The lines everybody wants to listen. Take the lines you?ll need to become the life of the party with your Kindle, cellphone or tablet.

Dating will never be the same. In the parties everybody will flock around eager not to miss your lines.

Download your copy now and start learning German and laughing at the same time!

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